your_ghost Bizzar one year ago, today, my world was forever changed because of a chance. you. you corroborated my identity, you ripped the door of my closet off its hinges and smiled at me as it splintered against the wall. i arrived first, i'll never forget the nerves, the butterflies. it had been 7 years since i'd last seen you in person. we were such different humans then. i didn't know what to expect. what if we were wrong? how could we be so sure of our love when we were so far apart for so long? what if the spark didn't exist in physical space? what if our personalities didn't align the way we thought they did? what if i annoyed you? so many thoughts racing, i remember i almost felt sick as i saw your car pull in. i was so nervous. i didn't know what to do with my energy. there were 2 cars between yours and mine when you parked. i remember pacing. do i wait for you to come to me? do i run to you and leap into your arms? the indecision resulted in me walking back and forth like a confused duck. finally, i began to make my way to you, meandering behind the vehicles between ours. and you... you had taken the route in front of them and we almost passed each other. but then a glance. and a dead stop. and a deep stare. a smile. and i was no longer in control of my body as it ran to you and threw its arms around your neck. the next few moments are a blur. i know i must have seemed so odd, with all of the nervous energy that was manifesting itself in my quick, sharp movements, the strange high pitched voice that i didn't recognize. we began walking through the field together, you asked if you could hold my hand. i remember being taken back by how smooth your skin was. i remember thinking: "can he be real? can *this* be real?". as we walked we passed people along the way. i remember feeling so strange in that moment. so at home in this wildly unfamiliar territory. this man i had called my best friend for so many years. my hand in his. it's maybe an adhd thing to put so much thought into all the tiny details, but i drank every ounce of you up that day. i wanted it to live on forever in my mind. we talked in the way best friends would, we already knew each other so well. except that this was the first time we talked as more than friends, in person, sharing air, with the cells in my hand on fire next to yours. in that moment it felt like they recognized yours. like they had been missing something they never knew they had lost, and it was finally returned to them. we made our way through a little path in the woods, parallel to the water. i remember lots of laughs. and also a lot of silent. a lot of taking-it-all-in. you picked a spot with a nice view of the water and stopped walking. you turned me to face you, and you asked me if i wanted to try a kiss. this kiss might as well have been my first kiss ever, with the way my heart felt and the way my palms sweat. how was i a 36 year old mother of two and feeling like i had never done this before? you pulled your phone out, and you played this song. the song that i knew because of you. because you told me to listen to it 10 years ago. told me you thought i would like this version. and you were right. i declared it my favorite song instantly, and it brought me thoughts of you every time it played. i can still recall the chills across my skin the first time i heard it, and they returned to me as you played it this day. over the last few months i had realized that it was you who made that song so special to me. it was the thoughts of you that i loved, even more than the song itself. i had joked that it should be our song. even though it's a melancholy song about loss, that i could related to the longing. that it could be metaphorical for our distance. the time we waited to express our love in this way. we had wanted it for so long, and neither of us spoke to it. i mourned us. for so many years i mourned us. i told you that the lyrics fit my feelings for you: "i think, last night, you were driving circles around me". because every night when i would lay down to go to sleep, you were there behind my eyes. when you hit play and the first few notes hit my ears you said "it's always been our song". as the familiar melody rang through my soul, we touched each other in ways we had only previously dreamed of. i ran my hands along your arms, through your hair, across the back of your neck, along your face, your ears. making up for lost time. discovering the feel of the parts of you i had yet to know. your hands traveled my back, my sides, lifting my shirt a tiny bit in the back to touch my skin. it was both electricity and ice, all at the same time, shooting through my limbs wherever your fingers traced. you let it drag out a bit. waiting for just the right moment. I rested my head on your shoulder, but i couldn't keep my hands still. i weaved my fingers in and out of yours. and then you lifted my chin, piercing my soul with your eyes and you kissed me as the crescendo played, and everything inside me exploded. all of the worry, the nerves, the wondering... "is this me? am i really this? do i really *feel* this"... it all melted away into that kiss. and it was clear to me in that moment, that every decision i had ever made was for this. every choice, every path, was so that this moment could exist. i could not tell you a single coherent thought from that moment. it was like someone released a million butterflies through my mind, my body, i couldn't focus on a single one long enough to make it out. all i knew was i was at home. that you were my home. i remember how hard it was to part ways when we decided to find a place to get dinner. i knew it was only temporary, but every cell of me screamed for you in those 10 minutes that we were apart. we found a little pub and sat at a tiny table in the back. i couldn't keep my hands off of yours. couldnt't keep my eyes off of you. you were really there across from me. your hands were really stroking mine. this was real. it took every ounce of restraint we both had to not go back to your place. but taking it slow was best for us. but we did not deny ourselves entirely. the part of the evening that is permanently etched in my mind was the few hours we spent in your car after dinner. we were good. we held back. but emotionally we opened the flood gates. there was so much appreciation in those moments. you held me in a way i had never been held before. i'm not sure i have ever been loved as much as you loved me. in the way that you love me. the way it burns in your eyes. i very vividly remember you pulling me back from you, hands on my face, lips to my forehead, saying "you love me. you already know me, and you love me. you've loved me all along". and while those words may not seem special to just anyone, i knew. i was there through all of them. all of the trials you've faced, all of the times that your love went unreturned by others. how many of them threw you away. you were "too much" or "not enough" for them. but to me, you have always been perfect. and i think in that moment you knew. you got it. your fear from all the trauma - that once someone gets to know "you" instead of the idea of you, that they would leave. but i already knew you. the real you. the one that some how all the others overlooked. you're so beautiful. how could they all have been so blind? one thing that i was absolutely certain of was that your heart was my home. i had always known, but this day, this was the affirmation. everything inside of me felt right. you were the light that led me out of the darkness. like i finally knew who i was because you guided me to my true self. our journey did not end that day, one year ago. we had so many more obstacles to overcome. so many more rivers to cross. so much more turmoil to concur. but we did it together. we came out stronger. and even though we are still far apart, and our time together is so little, it is so very precious. every second with you is a fairy tale. something i never knew existed. and i don't think i can ever truly find the words to describe the way it feels to be yours. the gratitude that i feel constantly that our love has a chance to live. and grow. my always_will_be 220504 what's it to you? who go blather from