memories_like_clouds_5 cr0wl the life draining florescent light beat down on vlad as he moved zombie-like towards the manager's office. the aisles seemed to press in on him, growing more narrow as he walked on, threatening to squeeze him. he was the rat in the snake's mouth. shoppers pushed their thumping-wheeled carts oblivious to his desolation, using their own methods of escaping the black clouds of daily oppression that had momentarily loosened its white-knuckled grip from around their exposed turkey necks. he arrived at the manager's office but decided to delay the meeting. he just wasn't ready yet to receive the news from someone who considered him on the level of an insect and using ethnic slurs when talking to others about him. pushing the bathroom door open with a thrust of his shoulder, vlad entered the empty space and shuffled inside, dragging the weight of the depressing news of marian's downturn at the hospital with him. he steadied himself, gripping the porcelain. he felt his heart beat awkward in his chest. a cold sweat broke out at his temples and under his arms as he stood in front of the mirror, a weaker version of himself. something was leaking out of him drop by drop. it was his existence, he reasoned. he turned both faucets on and let the lukewarm water baptize him for what lay ahead. he knew marian was dying, and though he knew there was nothing he could do to stop it, he still felt her being ripped from him like someone was pulling his arms from his body. he stared at his image in the small mirror above the sink. "we're all alone," he said aloud to himself, his accent sounding fragile and broken in the sterile banality of the room. 101111 ... unhinged marian had receded into a fog. her vision and hearing had all but left her. her self was fading away as the universe around her was expanding. light became all consuming. suddenly, she was yanked back into her body by a desperate squeeze of her hand. their mother's blood transfusions weren't taking. joseph explained to tina, lizeta, and isaac that it was a complication of liver failure that the doctor had warned him about. that the human body can only accept so much foreign blood before it starts to reject it. the combination of the transfusion rejection and the unfiltered toxins in marian's blood was overwhelming the rest of her organs including her brain. without a liver transplant, the likelihood of which was slim considering marian's age, she would die. sooner rather than later. isaac fell into the chair at his mother's bedside and grabbed her hand fiercely. 'oh ma. i am so sorry.' a tear splashed to his chest. joseph squeezed his shoulder in solidarity. marian's eyelids began to flutter. 101116 ... cr0wl it was raining when vlad stepped out of walmart. his boss's insensitive words crawled circles around his mind like a fly upon a lampshade and bounced off him and fell to the linoleum floor. he had simply waited for his permission to leave and when he walked through the open sliding door, he knew it would be the final time. fuck 'em, he thought. his 1990 toyota camry was parked in the employee lot which required quite a hike through a series of puddles that had formed in the uneven asphalt. he avoided none of them as if stepping in rainwater no longer mattered, or had now become part of a life that would no longer contain marian. he let himself get soaked, pretending the world was weeping for him and when his own tears came moments later when he sat behind the wheel and let the downpour pound his wiperless windshield, he felt bad for himself. this is easy, he thought, and he cried until spasms racked his body and the pain became unbearable. he pushed the door open and fell to his knees. he buried his face into his hands. no one saw him. they were all hiding from the storm. finally, he managed to return to the car, ignoring his sopping clothes and drove towards the hospital. almost halfway there, during the metronomical rhythm of the wipers, he noticed an awkward patch of light appearing in the eastern sky. before he could even think of the word, the brightest rainbow he had ever seen in his life appeared on the opposite side. it was a perfect arch, as sublime as anything could be. without warning, laughter erupted from the depth's of vlad's soul. he banged on his steering wheel with his fists and screamed at the top of his lungs over and over until his throat was raw and no more noise would come out. as he pulled into the parking garage of the hospital, the rainbow was still as bright when he first saw it. and it was still raining, and still the sun was shining. 101116 ... unhinged sarah sat down near, but outside, of the little group of extended family in the waiting room. david and abe were sure to get in a fight because david looked fucked up. when it got to the point that he looked fucked up, david was usually belligerent. not that she necessarily blamed him for this one. she wanted to be numb right now too. she looked at the group of them, david, abe, ellen, tina's new boy, across the aisle of seats and shook her head. ellen was getting so big. ma was getting so small. 'we are all going to lose her' the thought was like a stone in a lake sending out ripples from sarah's mind to the rest of her family. her mind drifted to the day marian took her to get the trumpet she wanted to play in the school band. the little silver hatchback gremlin that marian drove pulled up to the higbee's. it was only her and sarah inside. sarah wanted to explode she was so excited. alone time with ma was a precious treasure and on top of it she was going to get the trumpet she thought she so desperately wanted. they found the musical instrument counter. they waited for help. marian haggled. 'i saw this same instrument for $200 at silverman's music up the road.' 'well the best i can do is $250 with monthly payments.' 'ok fine. i guess that will do.' marian looked down at sarah. 'did you hear that honey? $250. are you sure you really want to play the trumpet?' 'yes ma,' sarah's heart fell at the thought of her mother changing her mind. 'my friends are playing in band this year. i want to play the trumpet more than anything.' a smile broke through marian's poker face. 'more than anything huh?' marian reached down to tousle sarah's hair and sarah backed away quickly enough to dodge the affection. 'maaaaa. don't DO that.' marian pulled her daughter close and gave her big sloppy kisses on her cheeks much to sarah's protests. as they walked to the car, sarah carrying her new trumpet, smile so big and wide it felt like her face might collapse, she asked her mom 'did you really see a trumpet at silverman's for $200?' 'of course not dear. it's what you say to get the person to lower the price. it's called haggling. i learned it from your grandma.' and suddenly sarah found herself back in the hospital waiting room, the escalating sounds of her brothers' voices jerking her back to reality. 'oh come on you two. knock it off.' she stood up and sat down on both their laps the way she did when she was a kid. 'get the fuck off me sarah' david yelped loudly. sarah turned and clamped a hand down hard over his mouth 'watch your mouth skeeze. children.' she moved her head in the direction of their niece. 101117 what's it to you? who go blather from