somebody_more_like_you past with this cd on, i can almost smell you again. feel your breathe on the back of my neck. feel you nudge me awake, hear you laughing as i try to stay sleeping through another early class. your voice echoes in my heart. i haven't heard it in over a year now, and then it was over the phone after you stood me up, a couple months after you broke me up. i can hear your voice smiling behind the clouds, and feel the tightness growing in my heart that i held so close for so long and let go so many months ago. i knew this would happen when i put the cd in. it's not like it was 'ours'(the song you claimed as 'ours' is still one of my favourites, as it has been since before i met you). this one i kept to myself during that period when it was all falling apart and we both struggled to rebuild our sandcastle in the gale that lasted for a few furious months. it didn't end on bad terms, and i fancy we'll meet again à la your_ex_lover_is_dead, but it ended badly at a time when all i could do was stuff it away and numb the feeling, and do all the shit that was piling up and that i had hoped to lean on you through, like i let you do to me so many times. but reciprocity doesn't always work like that, and these songs feel like leaning back into waiting, loving arms, and having no one there to catch me as i crash into the floor. we've both moved on in our own ways. your smell has finally filtered out of my things, even that blanket that you used to steal and that i hid away so as not to be reminded of you by your smell. seeing pictures of you still makes me smile, seeing pictures of us makes me smile on the outside and sigh on the inside, but listening to this cd crashes the world into those long november days. those months of darkness when the sun outside actually didn't shine. i remember writing to you that the pathetic part of the pathetic fallacy was that we though nature gave a damn about our emotions enough to changes its patterns. it sure as hell did then. or maybe it's part of what pushed us over, not even having the heavens to help us? these songs are beautiful. harsh. full of emotion. they fill me with emotion. i love them still. i'll likely always love you too, in that corner of my soul that you took for your own, and that i freely gave. i hope yours has a similar spot for me. 080306 ... auburn I just want to remember this...because that was really beautiful. Do you mind sharing your memory with me? 080306 ... unhinged it is a pillar's nature to be straight hard steadfast and then after years of an upright supportive life maybe even the outside can crumble (those of us that are habitually leaned against very rarely have someone to lean on and those that we wish we could lean on are too crooked unstable to return the favor without falling over) 080307 ... past meg, an email will be forth coming. remind me in two weeks if it isn't sent by then. there's been too much beauty in this night for me to write it now, and too much stuff in the coming days to attend to to write it then. i'll do my best with my honesty, but the beauty may fade in afterthought's glow. thank you unhinged. i told a story this afternoon after a friend let off on me (not against me however) that i am more than willing to support her, though i expect nothing in return from her. it's true, but she knows some things i wish to know, that's all gossip though. brings me back to vaguely_amazing. gods, she's beautiful. (not the one who leaned, though the beautiful heart also leans, just not as heavily.) it's that place of trust where it is not quite reciprocal that i'm stuck. i can take their problems and worries on, but i can't release mine to them. i require something more. something that they can't offer. a moral warmth that is distant from the warmths of lust and friendship. 080307 ... past there's so much beauty it can make you die 080308 ... past there's so much beauty it can make you cry 080308 ... past after a few hours of sleep, an exam, and a few hours of falling asleep in the library and an excursion into the snow_emergency what i wrote last night kind of feels funny. while true, i don't think i was any where near coherent enough to express myself. about 4 hours before that point i had 'lost it' (ie my brain shut off for the night and my coherency level reached negative levels). so lets try again.. auburn, i'll try to shape the story for you in the coming weeks. the album is nickel creek's /why should the fire die?/ which is an apt title for the emotions it summons. unhinged, there's so much beauty i could cry. at times i feel like i'm flirting one step remove, which is odd and rather discomforting and that's more or less what that blurb was about. last night it was particularly acute because i could see the other half of the one-step-remove while we were bantering. i was also dead tired, feeling a goof, and slightly drunk of my half pint. i still feel like i'm making a hash of words and emotions, but they sound truer this way, not that they were lies before. 080308 ... unhinged sometimes it feels good to flirt when you know it could only be words, sometimes our voices get lost and nothing comes out right. blather is a perennial place of reaching out. i used to feel weird to consider some of my best friends really only words on a screen and the occasional voice. actually, blather_is_blather not quite as accurate as blather_is_people. not to mention that alcohol has an uncanny knack of breeding regret. 080311 ... unhinged *sigh* and sometimes my reading comprehension fails me. 080311 ... past illusions and mirrors, hidden behind honest smiles 080312 ... p ah. don't worry unhinged. reading isn't this skite's strong spot either. too often i type up replies just to reread what i replied to. but i wouldn't worry. 080313 what's it to you? who go blather from