letting_go_of_it Sonya I stopped to think about everything last night through a slew of tears. You can't stand the thought of being the only one who is hurt right now. The thought of me completely closing you out and making you a distant memory or nothing probably kills you, but you know what? I told you before it would happen. I've shut the door on you. You don't like this.. I know it hurts you, but you always had terrible memory you know. I told you several times before I walked through that metal checkpoint that I have a really BLUNT way of moving on. To which you said "Do you what you have to do to be happy." I don't keep old pictures on my door. I don't lament of times gone by from nearly 10 years back. That's not normal. There is a reason why comedies and movies are made about people burning their ex's stuff/photos and finally moving on to bigger and better things. That's normal. It's what we do. It's what I tend to do. Of all my past flings/loves I do not cling to any of them. In fact at this point I can only hope they're doing well. I told you this was inevitable but like fucking always you never listened to what I was saying. You never paid me the attention I deserved and now that I realize it and call you on it, you can't help but throw the blame at me and call me crazy. Quite frankly my dear, I don't want to be near you. I'm fucking glad we have the damn miles between us because your touch has a plague. Look at your track record for God's sake. Do you honestly think Fate was responsible for all of that? Do not even think about putting any blame on me. I did nothing but love you, even after all the cruel things you've said or done that often led me to believe the 3 words coming out of your mouth weren't always meant but said just because. The fact is that deep down I know you realize that one day you're going to be some distant memory and I won't be nursing your memory the way you nurse hers. Frankly I won't...not the way you nurse her memory. It's not normal and I don't want to nurse your memory. It's not worth it. And you can turn around and try to paint me as unbalanced, but if it's so normal why don't you tell your dad about it or any of your family? Are you afraid of what he would say? I figured as much. Our friends sometimes tell us only what we want to hear... it's the other people who care about us who will tell it like it is even if it hurts. My first..yes you were this... but I've had several first things in my life. There is a certain fondness I will have for this. The idea of you being lovely...of course that is there, but at a certain point in time you stopped being that person. I didn't have the heart to push you away so coldly the way you did me then, but you stopped being that person. And there was nothing to be done about it. Everything is never good enough for you. For someone who used to preach about being content with things, it would appear that you are never satisfied with the love you often have. You say you've changed, but I'm not sure anymore. If you ever find yourself romantically intangled with another succubus and you are screaming "Why?"... you have your own answers. And don't try to tell me I'm naive about people. If I was naive I would have moved on a long time ago and slept with anyone who came along. From what I _hear_ you seemed to have no problem screwing around with anyone was there. It's humorous how we try to justify our own actions to ourselves by doing harmful things. I decided to do things the old fashioned way and just let it bleed out and scab over. Meeting another person was purely an accident. It would seem that in these short monthes you've already done your share of using people bandages and then throwing them out. Like I said, I have a more blunt way of moving on...which according to a lot of my friends is quite normal and necessary for my own happiness. But there's no point in reiterating what I have to say anymore. There really isn't. I've given up trying to explain to you. I never expected you to be perfect, but do not expect me to not feel angry and hurt at you. And do not have the audacity to expect me to keep your door open. You sealed the deal the night I gave you that cake. You sealed it. No one deserves to be treated that way. I don't care how drunk anyone is... I already know you're not a genuine asshole when you're drunk...which means maybe you meant it all to hurt me. I'm done. I'm tired and I'm done. I'm sorry it has to be like this, but you've given me no choice. I refuse to be friends with someone who is so delluded in the past that he is never going to be content with the present. I hope you rectify this somehow... I really do. I want you to be happy, but for everything that you have said or done, I cannot keep your door open. And this is not done by choice. You have forced me to do this. Please -stop- trying to blame me or label me as a certain way. Please stop trying to drag me down. I am not responsible for your pain. Try as you might to say this, I am not responsible. In the beginning it wasn't me who pushed...it was you. I was wary. You did everything you could to win me over and make me forget about any other guy. Well now is the time I forget about you like all the others. I nurse my drinks and my food and my chocolates, but I do not nurse the memory of past people. People move on. People close doors and open new ones. I've always been this way. Please just stop... I'm sorry, but goodbye. 051004 ... misstree reading that, i half expected to see a too-familar name at the end. i keep vigil lights for every person i have ever cared about. it could be said, with truth, that i live too much in the past, that i pine uselessly for it. but i live in the present, and i pine for all it can give me. i have never cared enough, says that in me which is not tender. i have cared too much, says another voice from the same regions. i have never let myself go, says all. but i have. all i can see in the rear view mirror is the last lost playmate, and i wonder how i can find overlap in anyone that can eclipse that in any way. and i know that i must, or lose myself in a shrinking reflected image. the only thing that i have never done is put whole of blame on another. there are two sides to every story, and i am unfit_for_human_consumption, and because he was my mate, so was he, and each is god and must do what they must and they are before me in their own minds by necessity, and if it be flaws in me or between us, there is always necessity for apparently unjust action. this is another of the many maybelies that helps me sleep at night. but, no, i won't let go. i keep pressed flowers in a box of lace hidden deep in a drawer. and i remember and cherish what once was, and thank it for having been, and keep a candle lit upon its grave. and it keeps dark corners from being infinite voids so i can dance in the light and know that the only ghosts about are those in half-shade, welcomed when they drift ephemeral and brief. i won't let go. i will carry these cobwebs forever, though they burn into my flesh. i do it for the fallen and the loved. i'm sorry. you must love me haunted or not at all. 051008 ... crOwl why there is one tree i have always loved to have growing in the acres of my soul. 051008 ... Sonya misstree your entry made me cry. you mirror the soul of someone i love very much. i don't have the willpower to look at the mementos he's left me, but try as i might, i can't throw them away either. i guess maybe 5 years down the road i'll look at them and remember what once was and be thankful for the experience. right now i am filled with a longing for what is familiar... and the familiar is gone. forgive me. 051008 what's it to you? who go blather from