a_hunger_for_it karasu akai Flesh. Not just in the sense of eating it and filling my insides with it, but in that _other_ sense. None of this messing about with the sort of emotional entanglements which seem to breed miscommunications, betrayals and arguments the same way a mouldering swamp breeds mosquitoes and leeches and any number of other assorted blood-draining, crawling fauna. No. Maybe it is the constant slew of caffeine i feed my body and the streams of otherwise largely un-used testosterone coursing in my blood. I just need some catalyst to break out of my usual un-social mood, i have not had a good tumble in the 4 months since my birthday, and before that, i went over seven years without any pleasure other than what i could manage with one hand. At first it was in an effort to prove my honorable intentions to one would-be lover that i did not simply enjoy her company because i was trying to get into her pants, though i discovered later that my concerns were ill-founded as she had been fucking at least two other people, including a rather cold spell during which, as the only remaining man in her life at that point, i served as the figurative whipping-boy for her ire after her other suitor had knocked her up and then split without contributing to his share of the cost of the abortion. It still galls me to think on it, the waste of it... i put my wandering prick into retirement in order to prove myself to someone who didn't care much one way or the other. It made me neurotic. A few months later i dusted off my wounded pride and began the chase anew, still trying to be chaste about the matter, still not chasing the random sport fuck on the side that had once been my sustenance in these otherwise emotionally dry spells. A coy flirt, and rather young too. All too aware that she could pick and choose as she saw fit, and for whatever closeness we shared as friends, i was still deemed lacking. Her loss, really. I know more things about extremes of pleasure and pain and all the countless states inbetween than any of her pretty young boys could. her dusky red-brown skin and long black hair and the faint fragrance of apples or apple-blossoms from her shampoo still stick in my head, and while my inner bisexual finds me drawn to slightly adrogynous women, petite, prone to short haircuts and tending toward smaller breasts, this one was a spectacle of a woman with her long legs and the long skirts slit to somewhere high on the thigh which showcased the them and then add that to the ampleness of her breasts and she was some lithe, slender incarnation of some ancient fertility idol. then of course there was the last one i made the mistake of being in love with, but i won't dignify that little tease by rhapsodizing about her allure when God knows (or does he?) that i've spent enough words here speaking about her, speaking to her and quarreling with her. i feel most foolish about heving maintained my sexual hiatus for her. It was, in retrospect, unrealistic when one considers the miles that separate us, but i've more right to speak on that than she, because everytime i was near to throwing in the proverbial towel on the matter, she would play on my feelings and keep me on the hook, only to send me scurrying and cringing into the corner again like a startled rat. For her, i was not simply "pussy-whipped" as some might call it (especially seeing as how, even when I as was in the same room with her, I seemed to have been the only man or woman she was capable NOT fucking) No, not merely pussy-whipped... cunt-struck. but enough of that, i simply know that my days of courtly behavior and gentle demeanor are waning. i just know that eventually there will come a time when my cock will no longer do the yeoman's job it currently does of standing as firmly as the flagpoles that decorate the plaza and there is no feeling more pathetic and stupid than having no other reason to sweat and stink on a nearly tropical July night than the simple fact of the heat itself. i have nearly forgotten the pleasure of leaving sheets and mattress so drenched with fuck-sweat that there is no place that is NOT a wet spot. Carnaval, Carnival, Carnivale "A Farewwell to the flesh" I hope my debauches up until that point were not that, because if this present state is my Lent, then only the tomb can follow, and bored and tired though i may be, i'm not quite in a mood to sleep or die yet. Old Grendel, he lives in a cave... 050721 ... birdmad if anyone was wondering, i've been reading Miller lately and i see a certain merit in what he had to say, on top of the fact that i felt my words on the subject building up within me not unlike some verbal climax waiting to be ejaculated upon some virgin parcel of space such as this. habit and appetite being what they are, i generally find it good practice to yield to them. 050721 ... crOwl thoroughly enjoyed this. 050721 ... misstree agreed. my hunger is tainted by the knowledge of plaguebearer. fucking someone is cursing them. i can only play the simplest pleasures, trade orgasms without the fulfillment of meaty slap and endless sweat. and this is the longest i've gone in years, and coming off of the worst breakup i've ever had on top of it. i'm stretching a small parcel of patience in a very thin soup, but i still can't quite bring myself to curse someone unknowingly; if they're worth the tumble, they're worth the truth. 050722 ... unhinged 'fucking someone is cursing them' and he asked me why i never had fuckme eyes for him *sigh* 050722 ... karasu akai Of course this says nothing about the absolute and incredible wrong-ness about the latest cause of otherwise pointless arousal: get this: in my office, our new receptionist is pretty much my diametric opposite, pretty, petite, conservative republican catholic jesus-nut (and a newlywed, too) i have this ongoing fantasy about corrupting her in every possible, depraved way... i think it started when i saw her licking the melted run-off from an ice-cream cone off of her fingers and the side of the cone... i don't know how aware she was that i, or anyone else saw her, but there was something very deliberate about the way she did it that made me wish i could have been that ice-cream cone in that moment. it wouldn't be the first time i had encountered someone who lived in an insular world full of people who are too convinced of their own comparative righteousness and purity and dirtied her up a bit, opening her eyes to more earthy and earthly pursuits. and oh my, but that does bring back some slightly bittersweet but otherwise pleasurable memories (and i'll share those later) 050722 ... Norm Ha, shit man... See? Birdmad knows. He knows man. He understands the hedonist's pursuit. If only I could fill my insides with that flesh of that other sense, I'm sure my hunger for it would subside. Nicely rolled blunt. A little wrinkly, good tokes. Shit, got me high... fuck... 050723 ... bird i do well for a man missing half of his teeth...even with dental, repairing the_damage_done over the years is gonna cost me a pretty. The New Year holiday was a nice repast, what with the extra days and the time to kill and me being now almost 100 lbs slimmer than when i first poured these words out like so many drops of hot wax on bare skin I think, when i do it i'll get fangs 090120 what's it to you? who go blather from