death_of_self soia how can I put the end of my life into a succint little blather? my absolute worst nightmare has come true. I don't hesitate to say that I wish I were dead, because if I were dead I wouldn't have to try to comprehend how to keep existing after this. Sort of ironic, since he is the one who taught me how to want to live. I cannot think of anything else. How can I do my stupid school work. How can I do anything? All that keeps me existing is the thought of getting to talk to him again. But I can't stand the knowledge that I am the reason that he is so unhappy. I would spend a thousand years in misery to make him happy. I guess that is what I'm looking forward to. Worst of all, is that none of this would have happened if it weren't for me. How could that one moment in my life change everything? It was a moment even I didn't enjoy. I cheated on the love of my life. I'm sure if any of you were feeling sorry for me it stopped right there. I was drunk, and I didn't in enjoy it. In fact, it was entirely miserable. It showed me just how much I have with danny. It also detroyed everything I had with him. While it happened, I just laid there like a mannequin. Not a single thought passed through my head about what I was causing. Just the feeling of whorishness, the feeling of cheapness, the dead feeling inside. All I feel now are stabbing pains and complete disbelief. I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself. I have absolutely no desire to go on with my normal activities now that I know they will not lead to being with him. I don't hesitate to say that I wish I were dead. 010227 ... asd I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't exist. I can't exist anymore. I don't want to breathe. Oh god. How can this be happening? There's nothing i can do. Nothing I can do. I can't live I can't breathe ohgodisejkllkjadsglakjsdg;lkajds;ajjjaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa 010227 ... soia I talked to my mom. She said it had happened to her, except she was on the receiving end. My dad. My own dad did that to her. I guess being a horrible person runs in the family. She said I needed to give him time to forgive me, time to miss me, time away from me, all the things he said. She said all the things I already knew. Said that if it was meant to be, he would forgive me, and if not there couldn't be a relationship anyway. I don't know if I deserve to be forgiven, even though I desire it. She says I need to forgive myself, and maybe it's good to have time apart for that. It's hard to say, but now I don't have a choice. I don't feel like I want to be apart. I want to make him happy. Maybe the way to do that is to give him time and let him decide if he wants me in his life, and in what way. Meanwhile she says, delve into your school work inatead of dwelling on this. I'm trying. Irrigation just doesn't seem more important than losing the love of my life. It doesn't seem more inportant than losing the person I look forward to talking to and seeing as often as possible. I even talk to him while he's not around. I guess that's what I'll be left with. Pretending to talk to him in my head, hoping that some day he'll forgive me. 010227 ... pilgrim Your Mom is right. Believe Her. But bad judgement is not hereditary. Alchohol is not Known to enhance it either. I do know that Time will tell. True Love is oft forgiving, and resilient in nature. Just learn what can be gleaned from this, have faith and patience,You will be fine. 010228 ... silentbob just because you don't feel sorry for yourself doesn't mean nobody else does. you made a mistake and you regret it. that should be forgiveness enough don't hate yourself i haven't met you yet, so you can't die yet. does he still talk to you? 010228 ... soia when the distractions stop the pain is unbearable I cannot ever remember having a feeling this bad I watched my dad die before my eyes I thought that was the worst pain but it was fleeting this just hurts and hurts Am I the star beneath the stairs? Am I the ghost upon the stage? Am I your anything? and I don't want to die tonight will you believe in me? and I don't want to fall into the night will you wish upon? will you walk upon me? I don't want to die tonight 010228 ... unhinged people just keep breaking of parts of me without giving them back and i keep shrinking and shrinking and shrinking... 011013 ... soia I guess time did tell a few months later and he finds someone else I must have been insane to hold on to that dream I must have been insane to let myself be dragged day by day, month by month, hoping for some sort of forgiveness I never changed while I was with him I was never happy while I was with him I'm much happier now- except at every elation, I feel that stab, of HIM raphide crystals caught in my esophagus, that's the only "forever" "love you always" what a fucking joke I am done goodbye forever 011014 ... misstree "life is pain, highness, anyone who says otherwise is selling something." every death leads to new life... a little harder, a little colder, a little wiser, but the most beautiful smiles come from the most weathered hearts... there is a line of scars for each time i have died, each time the pain has been too much, and i have swum to the bottom rather than fighting for air... and each time, once that last desperation was released and cleansed, i have come back... phoenixes never die, but they never come back the same... sometimes all you can do is let go and sink... til there's nowhere to go but up... 011014 ... guitar_freak I have these dreams every single night about me dying or about me snorting meth i want them to go away FAR away this is not who i am anymore I believe dreams tell the future prepare you for something to come i am scared of my dreams 011127 ... daxle FUCK YOU YOU THINK YOU"RE SO FUCKING SUPERIOR so much more righteous and I should be held down by nails forever for what I did WELL FUCK YOU!!!!!!!! I am not a bad person You will break up with sara someday face fucking reality ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I don't even know what else to say I'm so upset 020622 ... blamethesky i'm killing myself slowly. yet i can't bring myself to care. 020622 ... lily It's already happening in silence. 020623 ... chaotic.simplicity every day i die a little bit more 020623 ... misstree i've been losing myself and i don't know what was there to begin with 050811 ... nom) destruction_and_rebirth 050811 ... APRicochetMVP like a phoenix rising from the ashes 050811 ... the eye oh my... the hilarious irony... you were still beating your drum a year and a half later, but only a few months into my doing the same you have the nerve to label ME as obsessive? You know, dear, I would say "fuck you" if everyone else hadn't done that already 050812 what's it to you? who go blather from