sometimes_i_see_things_that_aren't_there raze automated video surveillance insects no entomologist has ever seen a light show on the ceiling not quite waking dreams not quite sleep-strewn reality something in_between friendly reminders from an unfriendly place 130724 ... raze a hand crawling down a sliver of doorway walking on its fingers amputated at the wrist not red not pink some colour in_between 140307 ... epitome of incomprehensibility I looked out of the window at the apartments lining Jean-Talon street - I was in the backseat of a car - and I saw two tall shrubs at an apartment building, one on a balcony and one on stairs. I didn't think much of it until the shrubs started walking down the stairs. "This can't be right," I thought, and as I looked again I realized the shrubs were really men in greyish coats. Peripheral vision, you deceive me. I hope this isn't a metaphor. 140309 ... raze last night a green video camera the night before, pink both gone when the panicked brain opened its eyes wide enough at least they're getting more creative with the cameras different colours and stranger shapes and all but always with that robotic arm to move it around 140328 ... e_o_i Hm, I remember that. It was actually Acadie street. The only time I really hallucinated anything, as in a visual hallucination that wasn't an optical illusion, was when I was sleeping in the little trailer outside Grandpa's cottage (there were guests inside, and only so many rooms - the trailer's since been scrapped) in near pitch black. I woke up and saw a very small, very bright animated figure that looked like Mickey Mouse scamper across the pillow and disappear underneath it. I tried looking for it, until I realized it was "just a piece of a dream." I was about eight. Maybe Disney was brainwashing me to do its nefarious bidding. You never know! 140328 ... raze a couple more disembodied hands on the wall walking around thinking they're people what is it with you lately, hands? 140402 ... raze a giant bulbous-bodied red and black spider hanging from the ceiling pulling itself up by the web 140503 ... raze other wall things less distinct farther away and a partridge in a pear tree 140710 ... raze a little soldier about the size of an action figure wearing all black climbing rope 150317 ... raze a man-sized dog black with yellow eyes standing at the foot of the bed glaring 150402 ... unhinged delusional especially in matters of the heart sometimes a spade is just a spade 150402 ... flowerock Peek out of the tent to see what the noise is... a raccoon but I see a mountain lion... but mountain lions are not so tiny... 150403 ... raze back to insects. i blame the moth i caught flapping around late at night a few times before it found another place to dwell. 150701 ... unhinged sometimes i feel things that arent there 150701 ... raze a woman's hand, curving around the frame that holds the door that never closes, teasing with her green painted fingernails before ducking out of sight again. it should have been enticing. instead, it shook fresh terror from the bones in my brain. it's funny to me how, whenever i see these things while skidding across the thin membrane between awake and asleep, it never occurs to me that there's no way i should be able to see any of them as clearly as i do in the dark. that should be a tipoff right there, telling me whatever well-lit thing i'm seeing isn't lit by anything and isn't real. but no. it's all real, until it isn't real anymore. 150916 ... raze sometimes i hear things that aren't there in that half-asleep place, too. and i gotta say, hearing the faraway sound of someone shouting "IT'S HAM!" is a lot more fun than the ominous tones of a formless demon's chainsaw voice. so, you know, we're moving in the right direction. 150918 ... unhinged i guess i misunderstood the fact that months later you came back searching for me. i guess all that really meant was that you were bored and looking for some new novelty to fill the void. 160519 ... raze a pink square a sticker pressed against the part of my closet door that stares at me while i sleep covered in white words that were gone before i could read what they had to tell me (because in focusing my eyes i woke up just enough to make what wasn't there disappear) 211013 ... raze three grey hamsters standing on the top rail of a fence that shouldn't be here triplets with faces frozen in perpetual surprise 220618 ... tender_square returning to the house after my secret walk, i thought i saw him leaning against the car, arms crossed and waiting in the driveway. 220618 ... raze a wide-eyed man sleeping sideways on the tallest bookshelf i own. 220708 ... tender_square at 5:30 am i stared into the yard looking for raccoons and saw something small and black and bulbous on the roof of the shed. i stood at the window a good ten minutes sure that i was watching a rat nibble on found food at dawn. i recorded it with my phone. i took photographic evidence. i got tired of standing there straining my eyes and decided to wait for sunlight to see better. turns out it was a fat pine cone with a small twig nearby. 220715 ... raze a grey stone half as tall as i am silent smooth and unknowable 220718 ... Bizzar a hint in your words. a subtlety of your subconscious thoughts. a kind gesture. a picture for me and no one else. i am reading between invisible lines. i am twisting reality to fit my warped desires. i am lost in a dream that will never come to fruition. i can find my way out, but i haven't begun to try. the fear that i will become a burden. not just to you. to everyone. to myself. selfish wretch. i would risk ruining everything for the chance to taste you. to drown in your embrace. to breathe you in. 220718 ... tender_square i wanted to spot a deer so badly on my morning walk, i hallucinated one for several seconds; it wasn’t a cervidae crossing, it was the dirt path behind me, a pop of tan against variations of green, stretching into perspective. 220729 ... tender_square my trash bin overflowed with the remnants of plastic safety fence, and when i stepped outside in the morning darkness, i thought it was a big man loitering at the curb. 221018 ... raze squirrels_in_the_dark 221019 ... raze the night before last, an agouti rat resting on my laptop. eyes open. contemplating. 230610 what's it to you? who go blather from