sleeping_alone epitome of incomprehensibility FINALLY this is working! I can sleep again if I'm alone in a building! Without too much nervousness! This seems trivial. People might ask why I was afraid of such a thing in the first place, but fears don't always have reasons. At least, not one clear origin point. More a cluster of different associations. I guess I've always been a bit afraid of too much solitude, the thought that no one would be there if I needed help. That sometimes morphs into the idea that I DO need help, and the help I need is someone being around. And that makes sleeping difficult because it's hard to fall asleep if you can't relax or feel safe. Anyway, my parents were up at the cottage for two nights in a row. This past year, when that happened, I'd just stay at David's. (And sleeping together, not euphemistically but literally, can be though too: I'd get too hot and wake up, sometimes waking him too by moving blankets around.) But at least I wasn't so nervous there. In August, with David gone, when my parents planned to go away for five days, I called them after one near-sleepless night and they came back. Ashamed, I felt like a baby, a vacation saboteur. A baby vacation saboteur. But this time things were better. The first night I took a melatonin pill - second time in my life doing that, and still I was a little afraid to. It helped in the initial onset of sleep, which is my biggest challenge. Staying asleep? Well... I was reading Leo Rosten's The Joys of Yiddish (more like a casual encyclopedia than a dictionary, its entries include anecdotes and jokes) when I first nodded off. I woke up with the lamp on and a string of commentary on fake Yiddish expressions running through my head. I remember one - I'll put it in half_asleep_thoughts. Fell asleep again. Woke up - too hot. Sleep. What was that noise? Sleep. It's light out, but too early. A light doze. So I only managed about 4.5 hours, but I was relieved: it was better than two, one, or nothing. But this past night! I finally got a normal, reasonably relaxed slumber! Maybe it was the four Monday classes that exhausted me - three in person, one online. Maybe perseverance and facing fears pays off. Maybe it's Maybelline (or Trivago, you never know). 210914 ... e_o_i "though" should be "tough" but life is though like life is but and we should respect conjunctions, they're underappreciated in life 210914 ... nr does it help to talk on the phone right before bed, or watch a comforting TV show? my friends from Gilmore Girls or Happy Endings are good at comforting me. 210914 ... e_o_i I'm happy that this particular anxiety seems to be lessening. But yes, phone calls help, though maybe not right before I sleep. For me, it helps to read things that are interesting, yet won't keep me wondering what happens next: patterned rather than narrative writing, like poetry or non-fiction about things such as language. If it's not time to sleep, but I'm nervous about being alone, I like to put on the radio so I can hear people talking. I don't know if that's good advice for anyone else, though. 210914 ... kerry it might be a bit warm for this, but you might find a weighted blanket to be really comforting. 210914 ... tender square i used to have no trouble being alone when i had my own apartment, but sleeping alone in a whole house changed things for me. the first christmas that michael and i lived together we didn’t spend together; it didn’t seem right for me to meet his family when we’d only been together for a couple months, but also, the job i was working would not have allowed me to take the time off to go to texas anyway. our first house had a creepy, unfinished basement i was not fond of. for the most part, the layout was open, but on one side of the stairs was a built-in shelf that came out from the wall, and behind it was a hidden corner i was never brave enough to go near. maybe i watched too many horror movies as a kid; i kept picturing that i’d see the guy standing in the corner at the end of “blair witch project” before the girl screams and the picture cuts. the first night michael was gone, i couldn’t sleep. the house was still new to me, making noises at night i hadn’t yet gotten comfortable with. i facetimed him for some comfort but he could tell by the look on my face that i was terrified. when a heard something from the basement, i took the phone with me to see what it was. nothing was down there, but i was so scared i screamed anyway, all the anxiety rushing out of me and collected by the darkness. afterward, i lay in bed with the lamp on at 2 am, watching a video of “vice” sneaking into north korea. michael ended up coming home early from that trip, and his siblings were pissed. i don’t think i slept a wink until he got home. when i told a friend about this later, she said i could’ve stayed at her place with her and her husband, but i felt silly that i couldn’t stick it out alone. even a few months ago, i tried sleeping in the spare bed we keep in our half-finished basement when michael was snoring. i kept the bedside lamp on the whole time; i’m a 37-year-old woman and i’m still afraid of the dark. 210915 ... tender_square twelve years spent beside two spouses no more. now, i keep to my side, and stack the extra pillows vertically beside me so it feels like someone is there. 221210 ... e_o_i I'm okay sleeping alone in a bed, but for some reason if I'm alone in a building I get nervous. Anyway, my parents will be back, and I'm also leaving tomorrow - one last trip to where David's staying in Ontario before he leaves again for England (yes, he does - sadly for me, although not for him; he has another funded research post). Sleeping_together (not in a sexual way) is also hard in the summer because the other person makes the bed hot (literally; see above). At least his sister's soon-to-be-sold Pickering house has central AC. 240731 what's it to you? who go blather from