redtree_innerviews_auburn redTree what are the top five events of your life this year? 081209 ... auburn 5. Gall Bladder Removal. 4. MRI/Ultrasound/XRays = No results. 3. Stage Managed/Light Operated/Costume Designed/Properties Managed Six Plays since February -- a mix of one or more for all. 2. Took a journaling class that helped me challenge my awareness of myself and my life. 1. A struggle (no past tense) with living while fearing the loss of everyone. I'm kind of elated that I am being 'inner' viewed. Because really...that's what it is. Inner auburn. 081209 ... redTree this is a rich and varied list of experiences which i would love to know more about individually... six plays! that's incredible...your involvement sounds exhausting and very stressful...what were they? where were they performed? is there a website? 081210 ... redTree what happened? what led you to this difficult place? what's the good news? 081217 ... auburn okay. This is what I know. Five nights ago I spent an hour writing a very in depth reply on someone else's computer. As often happens, I plunged into the dark abyss..because I suck at verifying. I pressed the back button...I didn't copy what I had written like I normally do, and alas, unlike my wonderful MAC the dang PC I was using gobbled my words...and plunged them too into the dark abyss. I can deal wholly with myself being plunged into the deep, dark unknown...but it really bothers me deep down when my words are placed there too. So, I think that when I have more time during the Christmas holidays, I will attempt a new innexplanantion. 081218 ... redTree i haven't had that happen to me more than once and believe me...i KNOW the feeling of sinking,desperate frustration. extreme suckage. thanks for your effort. as i reread your top 5, i'm sorry to hear of these difficult times, but i know i'm not the only one here at red that is looking forward to hearing your story and will be willing to share their friendship... 081218 ... r3d tree in the meantime... i enjoyed your post, "doesn't_that_make_us." please expound on it... 090104 ... rt "I don't understand things that don't have patterns. I ALWAYS search for patterns in everything, and I'm usually relentless until the pattern has been discovered or revealed." happy_square_root_day please give us an example... 090303 ... rt in blatherskite_dreams you wrote... "I guess things are just like that. It doesn't matter how something begins, it just becomes and is defined entirely by the way it ends." interesting...please expound. 090314 ... auburn I regretfully miss genuine human intellectual intimacy, so I am going to post as many replies to this page as possible. And hopefully, I'll be blessed with responses of genuineness in return. The top five events of my life in 2008 expanded: ... 5. Gall Bladder Removal. -- Removed because they discovered MANY stones in it, after an emergency CT Scan back in June of 2007 when my appendix was removed--the stones caused me to have no less than one monthly 'attack' of a severe pain in my entire midsection that would last a minimum of 30 minutes, and usually resulted in my inability to communicate with anyone around me. I continue to have this pain a year after my surgery. Thus enter #4... 4. MRI/Ultrasound/XRays = No results. -- My gastrointestinal problems continue to evade the medical community. I am so thankful I live in Canada, and do not have to pay for my lack of answers. Lately, I've been able to curb some of my symptoms by eliminating stress by trying to be less busy. Unfortunately, this lack of busyness has led to a lot of discontentment. 3. Stage Managed/Light Operated/Costume Designed/Properties Managed Six Plays since February -- a mix of one or more for all. -- I LOVE Theatre. For the better part of my teenhood, I participated in EVERY school play. In February 2008, I was light operator for StoryBook Theatre's "East of the Sun, West of the Moon", which was a cute endeavor by local writers to create a story based solely on the title. I enjoyed working with this cast; normally 'techies' do not interact much with the cast, but as I'm usually an actor, I'm much more social. I severely disliked the Stage Manager for this show for a number of justifiable reasons. This was a simple endeavour, and I did much of my paperwork while running the light board. While I was working on this show I volunteered during my lunch hours at a local Elementary School--here I ran character workshops with children as well as designed the costumes for their show. My former Grade school teacher wrote his own version of 'Oliver' and I offered to help work with his students. The night of their performance I also instructed all of the Mothers on proper stage makeup. At some point, I also ran a light board for a one act show called 'Keys' that was entered into a Festival. In May, I was Assistant Stage Manager of 'Cabaret'. I REALLY loved my part in this show. I became the impromptu seamstress, and could be found sewing one or more costumes before EVERY show. My boyfriend/fiance was in the orchestra for this show. It was our first artistic endeavor together. It helped to grow in him an understanding of the passion and love I have for Theatre. Ever since, he has been the supportive and encouraging partner that I require. I missed a play. I think it was after East of the Sun. I was head of props and ASM for this show. It was called 'The Velveteen Beaver' and was a super Canadian spin-off of The Velveteen Rabbit. A very small cast of people I truly love. I miss them. Then..the best for last. I was Stage Manager(for the first time) of "Godspell". I also was Head of Props for this show. Stage Managing was also super exciting, as I saw a show from start to finish for the first time. I enjoyed watching all of the auditions and being a part of selecting the cast. I'm very proud of my accomplishments with this show. 2. Took a journaling class that helped me challenge my awareness of myself and my life. -- I have neglected some of the things I learned from this class recently. My boyfriend is currently taking the same course, and it is inspiring to watch him grow through it. We'll be taking the second level of the course starting next month. 1. A struggle (no past tense) with living while fearing the loss of everyone. -- November 24th, 2007, Kimberley Janelle Litchfield died in a motor vehicle accident. Her impaired husband was the driver. She did not wear a seatbelt. She left behind two children aged 5 and 7. Watching life after her living was over...has been something that I was not prepared to learn through. I find that I spend more waking hours fearing the loss of the people I love than experiencing my time with them. I have never experienced such a true rawness. ... My post: doesn't_that_make_us "more than friends. less than nothing. more than something. infinite. timeless." I am not sure what the underlying meaning behind this post was that specific day. But it came from the most honest, intimate part of me. And it still resonates with me. ... My post: happy_square_root_day "I don't understand things that don't have patterns. I ALWAYS search for patterns in everything, and I'm usually relentless until the pattern has been discovered or revealed." An example is when I tile with my Father. I will try to create mathematical formulas to predetermine measurements of certain angles and such. It almost never works out. Because tiling isn't perfect. Usually because it relies on the perfection of other people: framers, dry wallers, cabinet makers, tub installers. I find math very stimulating. I regret having a boyfriend my grade 12 year. I could have kicked calculus' ass. ... My post: blatherskite_dreams "I guess things are just like that. It doesn't matter how something begins, it just becomes and is defined entirely by the way it ends." I just find that holds true in life. If something ends, we define it by that ending. The easiest example is divorce represents a failed marriage, instead of the beautiful seconds of two hearts beating in unison, and the tears shed, and the hands held, and the sunsets seen, and sunsets missed, and the meals prepared, and dreams shared, and the dreams missed. I had a friend once who was a great friend. We shared so much together than a great deal of my memory is devoted entirely to her. Unfortunately, she betrayed me, and I'm unable to label any memory of her as anything but that of a 'lying, cheating person who betrayed me'. When really those memories were of a loving, caring person who believed in me. I think that when things go sour all of the sweetness gets lost. I'm really afraid of things going sour with the man I'm supposed to marry on July 31st, 2010. Because I don't want us to become our end. I so want us to be. Be. Be. Every second of every day. Just us. Just this. Just now. 090314 ... past . 090315 ... past not to impose, i'd still love to be at your mountain wedding. 090315 ... rt i absolutely loved your post at to_who_can_relate. it's a real look inside of you and the view is fascinating. what is "it?" 090618 ... . . 091104 ... auburn Still not really sure I can answer that last question. I've tried to, many times, and I always delete it before hitting 'blather'. I don't think I'll ever be able to put into words what 'it' is -- other than what I've already said. 110215 what's it to you? who go blather from