dang Jus It takes our whole lives to know ourselves. Or it only takes this moment? I feel fat. I am fat. but I feel like I'm fatter right now. And why is my C-spine so curved, since when am I a dowager? When I tuck my chin, in an attempt to straighten it, all 70 of my chins settle on my chest. I can't win. Since when did it become impossible to be who I really want to be? Always, I suppose...except for when I was fit and young and drunk and so effortlessly vegetarian. I don't remember ever needing a pint of ice cream. I moved. I did a lot of drugs too. I was a child. Now I have carpel tunnel from scrolling on TikTok and a dowagers hump and a broken foot that never healed right. A gimp with a hump. I have too many clothes and nothing to wear. Today I wore jeans and a polyester sweater to church. I've never felt more like a frump then when I looked around to see that every other woman, all over 65, had more style than I could summon in any of my many iterations. One lady was wearing a blue beret. I told her I loved her style and she smiled but I could tell she thought it was a weird thing to mention. I'm such a weirdooooo. I really am though. I don't think I was properly socialized. Or maybe it's my autism. Who even knows where that ends or begins in me. Maybe it's all of me. My new thing is wanting to be a trad wife (barf) but it's just something that is happening and I can't stop it. I want to feel settled in something; a concrete identity. I want to know how to bake bread and have manicured nails and not be embarrassing to look at. I miss my grandmothers and envy their ability to "do it all". The mental gymnastics I do trying to figure out how to live is exhausting. There are too many options. But then I remember how they lived and died and fuck, I don't want the illness of a Standard American Diet or the loneliness that comes with loving weak men. I mean, if mine ever cheated or left me for getting a job, I would never go near a penis again. Women are so much better. I miss their softness and empathy and lips. But I really love my boy, even if we are mostly roommates at the moment. It's just like me to always be thinking of other pastures and their shades of green. Mine is a pretty green, like algae. In the moments I let myself go there though, it terrifies me, because he's so good but I'm pretty sure I'm so gay. Good thing we made a whole human and built our lives together and the thought of not being this close with him hurts my heart... and here we end up. Craving a pint of ice cream. 250518 what's it to you? who go blather from