panic kendera i have nokeyboardsoi cutandpastedtheseletters anddots...... 010727 ... birdmad wonders to himself on the streets of Carlisle Dublin, Dundee Humbersides 010728 ... kendera stillhave nokeyboard 010728 ... smiths tape birdmadd the provincial towns you jog 'round 010729 ... splinken i'm scared. 010818 ... unhinged i can't open my goddamn e-mail. it's just an obsessive/compulsive issue. i will get over it in about ten minutes when i go to bed because it's fucking 4am and i can't open my e-mail. 010819 ... frAnk i want to write to you but i have so much going on. but know i'm thinking of you. 010819 ... unhinged i've been looking the past couple of days. i'm so tired i can't stand it. damn caffeine binges. 010819 ... guitar_freak I walked you home and didn't understand The dark streets and shadows of walking alone Twisted secrets and dark understanding Please don't cast me aside I stray from good and deal with bad The paranoia behind me The dawn of a new age ahead Just please don't leave me alone 011219 ... silentbob gotta go gotta run gotta hide gotta escape this isn't happening this can't happent his way again not again i can't see you , can't know, don't want to know what would happen if you found me and i have to keep moving until i'm safe and my heart stops pounding and my palms stop sweating 020915 ... belly fire ...is the root of all my dreams panic stricken violent thunder. chasing running falling blunder. water darkness going under. just like Alice. 020915 ... belly fire don't panic place my anxiety inside a box tuck it away think of the contents of that box every day, locked up until there are more to add or less to carry on about your health is a factor by which I breathe lately so I store away my anxiety deep in my lungs in a little box cased in hopes (never fears) and faith in the return of Kathryn 030430 ... unhinged like a trapped bird where my heart should be irregular heartbeat fluttering 090531 ... unhinged every minute that goes by, i'm closer to the situation. my stomach turns. my appetite disappears. 090601 ... unhinged hot angry tears hyperventilating 090601 ... kerry i’m enjoying a much-needed but apparently frail sense of peace and stability, i’m at a nursery in glenside with the houseguest buying berries and cream mint, english lavender, tuscan rosemary, and three lovely jewel-toned pots (even though i have some terracotta pots at home), and suddenly bam! my stomach is full of snakes, my eyes are hot and waiting to detonate, i am frantic to get out of this enormous garden, but where to go? she offers comfort, encouragement, sympathy, camaraderie. it kind of helps. i go with her to walmart for mulch even though being in walmart makes me want to shrivel up and die like a worm on hot pavement–how can she not know this by now??--but i try to be a good sport because she drove me all the way out to buy herbs and fancy pots, to the suburbs where the forest is almost-spooky even in spring unfolding and the houses are pennsylvania dutch and stone castles in miniature, and you can smell the wealth, and it smells sweet and good and i make a point to enjoy it before i return to my modest but cozy life. i am thinking, all the decisions i made: stupid all the hunches i’ve had: should’ve listened if what gives life meaning is having a purpose, like viktor frankl says, perhaps my life has no meaning, and then what? at home i am raw, vulnerable, as soft as an overripe avocado. i pace and grate my teeth and flop down onto the couch by louie, demanding “why don’t you comfort me?” and he just stares at me with his bug eyes. i know he wants to be comforted too, probably protected from me. by morning the snakes have settled, i can enjoy my coffee and my viktor frankl book, wear shorts and sit on the porch_blathing with my legs in the sun and the rest of me in the shade. the fig tree is returning to life, its slender stalks studded with fuzzy green leaves. and it’s like the last twelve hours never happened. 220424 ... tender_square grandma is terrified of falling. she takes mom's hands and looks at her feet, hunched and bending further towards the floor. we keep shouting at her, "chin up! tits out!" her back is a question mark that won't straighten. as the descends the carpeted stairs, she shouts "no! no! no!" she will not give her daughter all her weight. she does not trust that she is held. she clenches her eyes, tenses her body and holds her breath. i stand at her back and rub my hand reassuringly across her spine, take my hands to her hips, "i'm here." she doesn't believe we're taking her to the landing, that this the final step until she can sit on the bench, she's gotten it in her mind that there's another flight to go. 230508 what's it to you? who go blather from