withheld unhinged i never told you the truth, just laughed and smiled, because i was always vaguely but subconciously aware that you could only do the same. smile and laugh, play it off, pretend that feelings are just chemicals floating in your brain while we consumed other chemicals to cancel them out: numb. i think it's been exactly a year. today, or in the next day or so, that we had that ill-fated conversation after my first trip to harrisburg. that my heart was too overwhelmed at the distant past i confronted out there by the river, that my guard was completely down so i just let it spill out of me. i needed to get at least one thing off my chest. you asked me how i knew that you would shoot me down; like i was blind deaf and dumb to all the things you said to me without saying a word. not to mention all the blatant things you casually spewed with no regard for my feelings. how if you wanted to fuck me i would know, how i was your stepping stone between girlfriends; that you were using me to get over your ex. that i was allowed to sleep on the couch so you had someone to wake up to, that the only time we ever touched each other was in violence. yes i know, nothing ventured nothing gained, but what exactly would my fragile heart have gained from admitting my feelings to you? your laugh when i untruthfully put it all in the past tense said it all. yet you can have the balls to tell me i ruined our relationship by moving away; that things will never be the same between us. they were irreparably changed long before you got the hint; long before you started fucking her, let her sleep in your bed, have clothes at your place, keep a toothbrush on your sink. and you wonder why i can't ever bring myself to tell you the truth. 060612 ... unhinged or maybe you don't you don't call anymore most days that's a relief but i'm going to have to call you soon to get all my possessions you've been withholding like you deserved them like they were the casualites of our war that you got to torture because i wouldn't let you torture me anymore i wish i could stop getting ensared by the likes of you but one glance and i'm hooked and dangling wriggling a fish on a hook there's not much left of me unwounded these days 060612 ... unhinged i ran into your girlfriend on campus last week on your birthday. i was walking toward's sean's house and she was walking possibly towards the music building. she smiled when she recognized me, we both said hello. but neither one of us slowed down. strangely, sean wasn't home. when i was smoking a cigarette on the porch i thought maybe i should have told her to tell you happy birthday. but once again, i think any of my feelings towards you especially the good ones are better of being withheld. and damnit, i still need to get my shit back. i guess it's my subconcious holding on. 060703 ... unhinged i was sitting on the wicker love seat that used to be in front of the t.v. mildly fucked up, probably on beer, when my phone rang. it was late. your name was in my caller id. 'what the fuck!?' they all looked up from the t.v. as i answered the phone. 'hey you wanna hang out and smoke?' and of course i couldn't deny our old pasttime. you pedalled up to sean's house and the fro of your hair reinforced how long it had been since i stopped talking to you; how long it had been since i not so casually or accidentally spewed my anger over you to some mutual friends; how long it had been since you called me. four months and we went to see sigur_ros with some friends where i made sure to put as much space between me and you guys as possible. but minus_the_bear came first and you stopped calling after that. but i withheld any direct anger. i wanted to see how long it took you to ask me why. four months. i'm sure she wasn't too upset about me not being around. we chatted with sean on the stoop for a bit and then walked over to your apartment. it was the middle of the night. i babbled to fill the unnatural silence that a college neighborhood has in the summer; vacated and still. we both stole quick glances at each other. in retrospect, i look much different and did back then too. when you look at yourself in the mirror everyday you don't realize what a difference 20 pounds makes. we went through the basement so you could put your bike away. and almost as soon as we sat down you questioned me 'so why are you mad at me?' she wasn't around; she was visiting her family up north. the fact that you waited to ask until she wasn't there to witness it didn't surprise me. i gave you the superficial reason; the last reason in a long list of reasons. 'i was so mad at you i couldn't stand to look at you for awhile.' but i didn't tell you that everytime you laughed at my feelings, not just the last time, it...i didn't tell you that the day i helped the two of you move to your first place together i knew i needed to distance myself from you because it made me sick. that i was a jealous woman scorned, tossed aside, demoted to a sometime friend because you finally found someone you also wanted to fuck who could fulfill all my duties too. that i didn't want to be your friend. that i thought i could deal with it, but i couldn't quiet my clamoring heart. that i didn't want to be in your life if i couldn't be in the position that i wanted because it just hurt too goddamn much to see. but the truths i did tell you that night were one step in the right direction for me. i couldn't give you all my secrets; i couldn't bear to hear you laugh at me again. 'we are done talking about this tonight. i came here to smoke. let's smoke.' the way you looked at me when we sat at the table so i could smoke a cigarette made me want to punch you, scream. you aren't allowed to look at me like that. no, not like that. but oddly enough, i think that night helped dissolve all the things i didn't tell you. at least to the point where i don't mind hanging out with you again. i'm not so angry i can't look at your face anymore. but, somethings are better off being withheld. 061026 what's it to you? who go blather from