triplet tender square whenever we’re preparing to visit michael’s family down south, i have to remind myself that he’s a triplet. this definition is but one thing that encapsulates his life experience, yet my original knowing of him existed wholly separate from this fact; he’s always been highly individualistic to me, so being part of a fixed group identity is tough to reconcile. “a lot of people get very strange when they find out i’m a triplet,” michael says. “they think that there’s something inherently special about it, and it’s unusual, but it’s not special. i’m always surprised that people find it interesting, it’s not especially interesting.” * we had plans to take an overnight amtrack to austin next week for a family photo we’ve been trying to get on the books since 2019. michael and i caused the original wrinkle; after moving to ohio so i could attend grad school, we told family we wouldn’t have time to take a trip given my commitments. then covid threw a wrench into things when we tried rescheduling the following year. in may, we settled on october and nailed down the weekend for 23 people to come together and say “cheese.” the photo was cancelled a few days ago, along with our trip, and a future date has yet to be determined. it has nothing to do with covid. but it has everything to do with michael’s brother david. * michael is considered the first born; david was delivered second; then came anne. they were born a minute apart and five weeks early; incubated for two weeks before they could go home. in one of my favorite pictures of them as toddlers, they’re dressed in matching white pillowcases with “3 musketeers” written vertically in red letters to imitate the candy bar of the same name. they all have identical full cheeks, dark eyes, and soft hair. to look at them now, you’d never know they were triplets. michael and anne look the most alike, but david is the outlier. michael and anne are short; anne is around 5 feet tall, and is so teeny she can get away with wearing kids clothing in large sizes. her hair is long and dark blonde, her eyes are blue, and her skin is fair. michael is about 5’5 with brown eyes, walnut hair, and olive skin. he and david both have beards, but that’s where the similarities end. david is the tallest, nearly 6 feet or more, and he’s built like a linebacker. his hair is red and curly and he has freckles. * when i ask michael what it was like to be a triplet growing up, he says it felt normal because “that was how it had always been. i didn’t know anything else.” his mom always saw them that way—the triplet unit: “she would make comments about us sticking together in some way, which at the time didn’t seem all that unusual when you’re eight years old.” but michael hasn’t really had a relationship with david for the past few years, and the times they have spoken by phone during this period have been acrimonious. david has accused michael of trying to leave the family when he’s taken no action to indicate that; i understand being lobbed with this charge. whenever i’ve tried to confront my sisters about their troubling behavior, i am told i do not know what i’m talking about because i’m “not there,” meaning living in windsor alongside them. david has refused to be on medication for two years now; his mental health condition has progressively worsened during this time. the effects of covid have made him increasingly isolated, and he swings between mania and depression. it doesn’t help that their mom isn’t here anymore, the driving force that once impelled them to stick together no matter what. * i can’t say exactly what david did. but i will say that over a period of 24 hours in june, he sent 53 erratic emails to our family email thread about the picture after he refused to take part in it. there were things that he said in those messages that i don’t know how one ever comes back from; trust with each of us has been irrevocably broken. * “as a teenager, it became obvious that branching out was going to be more difficult because there wasn’t sort of this space, and i mean space literally and psychologically, to work out what that would be without other people around, especially other siblings who are the same age.” the story michael tells most frequently about this effect is when he picked up the guitar and started learning how to play and then, right after, both his brother and his sister both bought a bass and a guitar. “it was just ridiculous,” he sighs. * “how did the writing go today?” i asked michael while we walked. “it didn’t happen.” “oh, no! why not?” “i was thinking about all the david stuff.” technically we’re in what i would describe as a lull with his family’s drama and my family’s drama, but only because there’s no immediate crisis we’re responding to. july was a ridiculous month we’re still recovering from; our siblings seem to fall apart on the same cycles now, amplifying our stress and worry twofold. we don’t remember it being this way three years ago. all of michael’s anger and frustration rose to his consciousness again because of the cancelled trip; no one felt safe enough to meet for the photo knowing that david knew the location and time that had been established. no one felt safe enough staying at tim and kay’s house, including us. “he’s not functioning in the world and he blames it on everyone else,” michael said. again, i can relate to this exasperation with my own siblings. it gets to the point where there’s nothing else to do but throw your hands up and walk away from the insanity. and that’s what it is—insanity—they keep doing the same things over and over again expecting different results. i was hoping it wouldn’t get to this point for michael’s relationship with david, or the rest of the family’s relationship with david. but here we are. 211004 what's it to you? who go blather from