transcript belly fire I made a silly promise to myself the other night while I was on the edge of dreaming. I intend to keep it. I've never been good at this sort of thing so this is my best way of dealing with it. I have so much I want to say but mostly it just comes out wrong or repetitive. So enough of that for a while. I hope, ultimately, you don't think I'm an asshole. I hope you don't come to believe I have better things to do with my time. See, because I'm here, aren't I? A cancer is also about being tactile... That's really what it comes down to. Selfishness on my part. I wonder if you'll read this. 030216 ... belly fire Unbreakable was on today and I thought of you. And all the ancient comic books tucked inside my closet. Oh, and I meant to ask you, what is your favourite Shakespearean play. If I had the ambition for it, I would illustrate Hamlet. I'm infatuated with the idea of it. Maybe one day revenge will be my motivating factor! ha And to think Adam favoured Titus Andronicus when Hamlet had the market cornered on rage, deceit and vengeance. It upsets me to think you'll never see me with dark hair. I think it suits me much better than my annoying blonde roots suggest. Sweet dreams, y'know. 030216 ... belly fire I think you were wrong about that girl I told you about. And I think I was wrong in my assumptions too. Ultimately the only explanation is that some people do nice things to feel good about themselves. Y'know, you may hate the Hip but they are the source of so many important memories for me that I can't bear to have one more conversation on Gord Downie's so-called lack of talent. If I could sit you down and list them all for you I think I might change your mind. Of course, you'd disagree, right? But that's only because you're difficult. 030217 ... belly fire I missed you today. 030218 ... belly fire It's so hard not to reach out to you when you're right there. I have things to tell you. I forget them all, conveniently. I did some pretty bad things today...I can't tell you about them though, your opinion would change about me if I did. I guess I'm human that way but I'd prefer to think it's not really lying or deceiving you, it's more like there's no good reason for you to know some things. You know, Kat stopped asking me questions about you because I cut her off that day...and I think I'll always regret having done that. Btw, how's school? Please don't say, s'okay. 030218 ... belly fire I would ask you about all the people who are walking out on me. Who have left me behind and moved on. I would ask if there was any way I could avoid losing people I care about. I don't though because it's a conversation I can't have right now. Noone can give me answers and noone is telling me the things I want to hear. I want to know that certain people will be there for me, or will try to be for all it's worth. That I won't keep having to say goodbye to people like Patty and Anne, people who are so easy to love without even knowing them. Strong women who matter to me that leave and don't come back. I want to tell you that these things are like heavy weights, pulling me down to places where I'm constantly second guessing myself. I wish I didn't care so much, I wish I could just let people leave or be absent in my life. I wish I could accept that people come into and out of my life for a purpose. I had a dream you were a figment of my imagination. The product of a warm, sticky tumor. It was a terrifying thought...that you weren't there. Have you heard Johnny Cash's cover? I tried to turn it off but I couldn't. So I play 'The Magnificent Seven' again and again to feel more like myself. This all hit me when I came home and saw OK GO on tv...what a fucking stupid trigger. I would like to go one day without feeling the space between me and everyone. And you. Are you hearing this? Are you okay? 030219 ... belly fire Well, I cut all my hair off. Again. Also, lately I've been worried quite a lot. Needlessly. I realize that you often put me at ease with my troubles or, at the very least, kept me grounded. A realist for a realist. I found pictures of Deanna the other day and tore them into tiny little pieces...like the one I left at East Sides'. It feels empty to erase someone from your life...because I don't believe I can ever really do that. I'll just keep having to tear up pictures I forget about. I don't know what I'm doing, boy. Help me. This is hard. I wish I had someone to grab me and shake me shake me shake me shake me. Tell me everything will fucking pan out. Or that they will be there if it doesn't. Or not even that much. Just that they've noticed I've been gone. And I'm missing all my hair. 030222 ... belly fire Let's sabotage this pet project together. I'll do the things I promised I wouldn't. It can be like I was never here. I'll go back to my old haunts. Dig out the ones who made the bad things make sense. Soundtrack to my loneliness - Nevermind. 030223 ... Riddle Me Not I contain the history of the world, yet I watch you love me, as I adore. I cannot be contained by simple paper nor ink, yet I am the existence that allows us to think. You will not see me, in any form of life, yet you will know me, in happiness or strife. 031223 ... belly fire I came back here to read back on all the hot emotions I had brewing in me over a year ago. Oh, how desperate I was for you to hear me. You never did though...I never said anything. A hard lesson to learn, that you were there for me but only so that you might one day see my backside, the idea of me moving on with my life in a positive way. Once again I overanalyze our somewhat shared reality (barely) but I think I can speak for you sometimes too - we always argued the same points anyway. God, you're still sick. And I feel years away from where I was. I think of marriage and conservative living (wouldn't you kill me if you knew!)...and always of policing. Always. And, of course, still you Boy. Still you. I realize though that you will never be present in my life as a real person, ever, as I believed you would eventually be. No, you will always be a colourful, sweet-smelling xmas card...a brilliant envelope with return address...an instant message full of emotion (in the way only yours can be). But you are still dear to me...and I think of you. Do you know that? I think you think of me too...it feels so good. 040402 ... belly fire You forgot about me this year and I have no heavily-scented card to place upon my mantle. Nor letter. How could you forget me? A better question...how are you? 050105 ... belly fire I will say goodbye to you now, sweet boy. Goodbye to our chats and christmas cards. After tearing away the pages of my suede journal, I say goodbye and leave only this page. Goodbye dear friend. 050311 what's it to you? who go blather from