when_i_was_small mon i always think about how the world seemed bigger when i was small i thought everything was in black in white in the years before i was born i thought god took a brush and added colour one day i wanted to paint like god i used to ask why did god add colour? wasn't he happy when everything was black and white? i asked everybody who i thought would be old enough to remember what it was like before the colour spilled all over the land was life boring in black and white? was it easy washing clothes? what did grass stains look like? were your eyes black or white? what colour was your hair? why are some people called black and others white? is it because? the world was once black and white? if i was in the black and white world what colour would i be? i remember learning about technicolour technicolour really confused me i remember pinky's mom from india she said her life had always been bright and filled with colour she told me about the colours in india she showed me her tv and said i was just mixed up because of tv i remember i told her i liked her set i remember a game being on and playing in their yard while they ate pinky gave me a unicorn i remember my mom calling me to cut my hair and my sister crying because her curls were tangled she hated her hair being brushed i hated having mine cut i thought it was a sin i used to put glue on my hands and sew them together i'd run around in circles i started talking to crows feeding the bread i remember one landing on my covered arm i'd seen it on tv i remember learning how to call on a storm i remember the cop who lived next door and the kittens i remember her boyfriend didn't like me because i was an annoying kid she had nude paintings on her wall i got scared thinking she was weird and then i learned how many artists paint nude people and her paintings were really old i decided she wasn't weird but then i started thinking she was on drugs because her boyfriend was really weird when i was small i learned about sand becoming glass and glass becoming mirrors and what happens when you put a glass over a candle i remember sitting at a table it was a greek restaurant in victoria warm air and people drinking wine i remember our bird bath and the faery wands the faeries who lived in the garden with the birds and trying to stop my brother from pulling the legs off of daddy longs i thought the world was smaller i thought the world was so big i tend to forget things i sometimes think i never went to kindergarten but a wee bird reminded me i did i did i went to kindergarten for a couple weeks only i sang oats and beans and barley even after we were supposed to stop oats and beans and barley oats and beans and barley i pretended to be asleep when the teacher left the room i stood on a table singing oats and beans and barley and the other kids napping woke up laughing there was something hanging from the ceiling tin foil stars i remember the light smiles on every face and blankets warm i remember my dad walking to pick me up in a red coat to take me home in the snow i remember us crossing the street and other kids thinking he was santa just like i did i was going home to the north pole i remember the island cold and my brother's teacher when i told her how i broke my arm in the woods behind our cabin and how i couldn't say it properly i said "i twipped on sum wogs and stwicks" and my brother felt embarrassed by me and i got teased for years and years for saying it like that my brother called me "wide eyes" when i was a kid i remember i was not really little but i was small i used to watch the trains pass the other kids liked putting rocks on the tracks to watch them spark i always looked to the windows i always looked at the train i would pick flowers and wait thinking someday the train would stop and a world of people would hop out and there would be a brass band playing like soldiers arriving back home from the great war and i forget what i was running from when i fell and there was nobody around and the log leaning against it crying how could god hurt me when i was "a child of god" i thought it was punishment for some evil deed in a past life and thinking about fried potatoes on the way back from the hospital i remember the hospital the doctors were nice they put a cast on my arm just like the first one i got them to give it a good scratching a good scratching first because it's hard to scratch an itch when it is covered over with a shell 031214 ... nom i remember the social worker at the door i remember hiding i was scared she would take me away 031214 ... nom i ate a lot of peanut_butter sometimes with mustard on a carrot i would hide under the table and drink soya sauce i found a million catterpillows 031214 ... nom we used to go for drives i loved chinatown at night in the rain i loved the shawls in the shop my mother was working in standing on the beach one time my dad lifted me up on his shoulders so i could see the united states of america across the straight of juan de fuca a few other times we went but those other times were foggy we ate in the parked car looking out at the fog and seagulls going after trash cans 031214 ... nom i had three afghan dogs who loved eating donuts 031215 ... nom we had to give them away when we moved 031215 ... nom there names were juan soloman and sheba 031215 ... nom solomon not soloman?, yeah 031215 ... nom the first time my wrist broke against a stone cup in the summer grass i was skipping rope the first time i thought god didn't love me anymore the second time it was a sign for sure "do you remember,..and you thought god didn't love you anymore?" in nanaimo i used to climb out my window sit on the roof singing donovan's window was acros from mine i could hear his def leopard stereo playing when his curtains were open i'd watch him playing air guitar sometimes he would turn it off and close his curtains so he could listen to my singing without me knowing he confessed this to me once after him and josh cornered me against the building and kissed me i kicked him for kissing me i kicked him for listening i heard scary things about him years later i just searched for him in google i just found out he died in 1998 i stopped reading the page i used to play with him everyday i wonder what happened all these people i played with his parents told him i was poor not to take anything from me because i gave his sister some of my mom's jewellery for her birthday i didn't ask my mom if i could give it away i used to climb out my window and sit on the roof singing and watch donovan playing air guitar i remember when he kissed me i think i'm going to cry now why do i have to learn so much from google 031216 ... nom he asked me if i was sad if i was sad he asked me why i was always singing 031216 ... nom we broke into a caravan once 031216 ... nom i met him when i was seven 031216 ... birdmad als_das_kind ... 040126 ... crOwl classic mon. 040910 what's it to you? who go 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