ataraxia Joana. I wanted to reach this higher feeling... Somehow I thought I would someday... But I can't Because in fact I never wanted to. I feel so drained... So fragmented... I don't want to approach this like on the other times Talking pseudo-eloquently as if to prove something... As to pretend that I'm smart and witty. I'm nothing like that I'm possessive and evil... Insensitive and thick-minded... If I were so open about this... it wouldn't tear me apart so much. But it does... More than I'll ever allow anyone to know... More than I sometimes allow myself to know... My jealousy and insecurity chew my soul to pieces... And I have constant thoughts of a lonely future, as I am so sure that he'll leave me... That he'll trade me for someone else... for anyone else who doesn't complicate things so much... and whose ideas have at least something sensible to them... My conscience just cannot bear the dependency on another human being... And I'll leave again, lonely. Saner, yes. But lonely. 000513 what's it to you? who go blather from