i_miss_my_beautiful_friend crOwl we took a good look at the garden and talked about borscht and fried zucchini flowers. guess i was hungry. i've lost a lot of weight lately. but that's how summer is for me. overbalanced on the work. we watched fog form in the laurel highlands. we listened to the different songs of the birds welcoming the coming evening. saturday you'll come first and help me build the fires for robin hill's summer soiree. 050707 ... kerry his rose is still hanging upside down from a yellow thread tied to my bookcase, pink rushing like blood to the tips of the petals where it turns bright fuschia. the other dried roses, 4 of them, all orange, are scattered in various bottles throughout the room, plus one purple gerber daisy. i'm haunting stores and streets like a ghost, i'm exhausted and unable to sleep, i stay up reading everything i ever wrote about him in various journals, files-- "all i wanted was for you to kiss me," he said once, and i don't remember the last kiss. most of the time we were in awe of every part of each other. we watched the leaves fall together and we rescused a puppy together and we screamed and ate and walked and cried and danced and thought and raged together and i knew it would blow itself up but that wasn't how i wanted it to be and i knew it was so turbulent but i thought that would be okay and i wanted it to be more than just a first love because the word first implies that there are others and i can't even think about that right now. 050707 ... APRicochetMVP it's been been almost a year and a half since she left us. and i seem ok to most people, even those who know what happened. not a single person knows that i'm still crushed by her abscence. i replay every moment we had together in my head. That amazing day we spent together at the movies, fat daddy's, and eventually my room. the band banquet our senior year. i still have the picture from that night. she looks so radiant, so pure, so innocent. i lost all the other pictures that she sent me of her a few years later. but i'll always remember our time together. i wish i could've told you that i loved you when i had the chance. of course now you're above and you know this. R.I.P. Heather Renee Mullins Keltz 050708 ... unhinged what is the jeff_buckley song.... it goes something like 'love brings us to who we need ..... ..... i miss my beautiful friend' and it's off sketches, but i don't listen to sketches often. 050709 ... unhinged ps. first love is the worst love cause for those of us that manage to fall out of that love, it teaches us to be closed and scared and alone. i have had a very hard time in the past two years recovering from my first love. i still don't want to think about it with anyone else. i came a little closer with the last boy; at least my heart can flop over again. 050709 ... nomme) i think i'll send a letter to her mother 050710 ... unhinged morning theft that's the name of the jeff_buckley song... morning_theft 050712 ... crOwl what scares me about his absence is i think he may have died. he coughs like his lungs could propel forth out of his body. he never returns my calls. and people that know him say they haven't seen him. but it's more likely he's hermiting it up. anti. winterblue. absence makes the reunion all the more interesting. 060110 ... crOwl i saw him again. rabbit rivers, crowl of monet_on_bartlett. ann told me she saw him and he asked about me. when we were finally reunited after several months of absence, (dare i say a year?) i jokingly told him i looked for his name in the obituaries, just like my father would have said. (actually, i should have checked. his coughing is worse) he helped me plant hosta for ann and i paid him. he needs work. i saw pete, who is letting his hair grow. he looks more the hippy son that he truly is, weaned at the renaissance festival circuit. but it was the kitten of love i gave him last year, dave and hil's chewbacca. he is the greatest cat next to shadow, the original crowl. he has a high-pitched meow and a grand sense of adventure. 060522 ... unhinged and it doesn't help that i had a dream about him on saturday night, smiling and hanging out just like we used to; but i'm done missing him, worrying about him, obsessing over him, when i don't think there's been a single time in the almost seven years that we've known each other where he tried to get ahold of me. i'm trying to live in the present. to just let_go ; of the past, of him, of all of it. but i guess i'm really not done missing him. i probably never will be. he was beautiful, a little too beautiful and he burnt my retinas out looking at him all those years. i just want to be able to see someone else as beautiful like that. 060522 ... misstree falling asleep next to distant tribeling, i missed several most cherished pairs of warm arms wrapped in pure affection. i miss my found family. 060523 ... eatingstars i miss being a beautiful friend. 060523 ... crOwl he's in new jersey now, with a lady he met at stumble-upon. back to logging. i called him on thursday and we chatted as if we were at monet_on_bartlett. about hesse and emile zola. about influence and inspiration. about what matters. 070205 ... unhinged there's a pretty undeniable psychic connection between us. i was thinking how beautiful our first month was when it was just us. when there was no one assuming that we were fucking, no raised eyebrows or winks, no nodding heads. how we were together every spare moment of our lives making music. and we loved each other almost immediately and there was no one there to tell us what we should be. we just were what we were, together. i was thinking how i wanted that again. how it would never be quite that perfect, but i wanted us again. my suspicions that you missed me were right. i have some odd comfort in that. that at least this relationship isn't AS one-sided as others i've had. that maybe you meant it when you said you didn't want to lose me. but we are both still afraid to speak. silent. still. 'what are you doing tomorrow after 5:30?' 'i teach until 9 on mondays now.' .... 'well, how about we practice tomorrow night just like we used to just me and you?' there you are, in my dreams again. but now i am also convinced that you knew exactly how bad you hurt me. 070205 ... mcdougall i want to read kerry_again. somethings_missing 070223 ... nom my friend n isn't talking to me. 070223 ... somniac mine isn't talking to me either 070223 ... dennis browne oh. i miss you. 170118 what's it to you? who go blather from