family_obligations unhinged he accused me recently of living my life for others, or in others. (once again, me, the girl that clings to details, has pushed his exact words out of my mind; where i would have saved the text messages, i deleted them almost instantly). much of my young life was spent trying to please a father that never seemed pleased. but when i dropped out of grad_school and later didn't get back on the plane to go back to my parents' house, i started living my life for myself. (i have since realized that my father was just worried; not necessarily unpleased. he has always viewed it as his job to make sure all his children had the abilities to take care of themselves. he taught me duty, respect, honesty. maybe he was a little rougher with me than he needed to be, but i accept and acknowledge the way my father chose to love me. while it's not the way i choose to love, it doesn't make it any more or less valid. my father is a human being. and overall, in his own aggressive, short_tempered way, he was a great dad to me. his sense of obligation to me has changed over the years and now that i've been pretty successfully taking care of myself for some years, the tension of his former obligations has melted away) my astrology leads me to be a diplomat. i have not felt that pull stronger than the need i've felt in recent years to mediate between my brother and my father. the similarities between the two of them have been striking and in some ways drove my brother to the middle of the pacific ocean. but in recent months, i have dropped the role of mediator between them. my brother was so intensely angry at our dad a few months back, he told me he was never going to speak to him again. but, i resisted the urge to call my dad up and ask what happened. i had a feeling it was part of the same old story in recent years that my dad was no longer offering my brother financial support (mostly because he's on a fixed income now, and also wants to make sure my brother can make it on his own). this past week was our dad's birthday so of course i was curious if my brother communicated with him. so i texted my mom and asked her if he had contacted our dad for his birthday. i was relieved when she told me he had. my sisters are not getting along these days. i stayed with the younger of the two of them at christmas time and heard her version of the story. i could sympathize with her but i can't help but wonder why our older sister is so mean_spirited these days. i've noticed a marked difference in her in recent years and i wish she could find some happiness and peace for herself, her husband and kids, and for her relationship with all of us. none of the rest of us speak to her often and most of us are actively upset with her. once again my mediation instincts kicked in. my sister was so clouded by her feelings of anger and hurt that when i asked her why she thought our other sister was acting that way, she just threw her hands in the air 'i have no idea' i've realized recently (like super recently, as in the writing of this blathe) that the only obligation i have left to my family at my age is clear honest communication and learning how to drop the anger and keep the love. if i can't do that with my family who can i do that with? the groundlessness of life pushes us around. we all suffer. it is nice to know that there are a few humans on this planet we can count on in times of crisis. i am so glad to be close to the younger of my sisters again. her love and support have been infinitely helpful to me in recent months. it's almost unfathomable that anger kept us apart for five years. the only obligation i have to all of you now is unbiased love. 110403 ... jane recent pontifications: you cannot choose your family. relationships with relatives are more likely based on karma from a past life. my mother and i have been so close my entire life, and so many parallels between our stories, i wonder if we were twin sisters. we seem to communicate without communicating. my father, on the other hand, quite the opposite. we have never been close. we have fought with each other my entire life, often leading to physical conflict. i once confessed to my brother (my elder by 18 months) after the divorce about the abuse coming from our dad. i don't recall any reaction, though it could have been blocked out by now. i spent the last year trying to get to know him better, because i do love him as a person and we have always gotten along, even with our slight estrangement. i'm also curious if he remembers my confession, and it's nice to have someone who knows our father to bounce ideas off of. i feel strange asking him for help (asking anybody for help, really), because i don't want him to feel put in the middle of something. i don't think our father is a bad person, but i do know how much healthier i am not having him in my life. i don't think my brother will ever understand that, especially not the way my madre does. the problem isn't the fighting anymore. i'm past that now, above it. through years of therapy i have learned that what i thought was my problem, where i believed i needed to change - was not my problem at all. my father is a narcissist and can only see people as they relate to him. and so any time he was yelling at me, he wasn't yelling at me at all. he was yelling at who he thought i was. he had never made the effort to get to know ME. i am just a cardboard cutout to him. it's taken years to come to terms with that, but i think i have now. i guess i will continue to live out this family drama until my father can learn to leave me alone. my brother takes the "can't everyone just get along?" approach, and i wonder how that translates into his feelings about our parents' divorce. another reason to get to know him better, i suppose. though sometimes when we talk, i don't feel anything is resolved. i still feel we're speaking on completely different planes. i wonder if that's because he is a taurus and is just stubborn about his opinion. or if it's because he, like our father, can only see things from his own point of view. the latter saddens me. i have hope for him yet, and i will love him either way. 110404 ... jane i was also going to say with relation to the "you cannot choose your family": you can, however, choose your friends. in this sense, they reflect more greatly upon who you are as a person. and i think our voids in our familial relations are filled somehow with other relationships. where i feel sometimes i am missing a brother or a father, i have a multitude of positive male relationships. perhaps those piece together to form a fulfilling fraternal entity. something satisfying. i don't know. it sounds right. 110404 what's it to you? 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