stationary_rain_dance raze when a bunch of people are standing around setting off firecrackers they can't even see because there's something that's attractive to them about paying for hearing loss, and it's keeping you from being able to sleep, conjure a storm to piss on their heads. it won't last long enough, but it'll be glorious while it does. 150518 ... warmthofrelease MONDAY darken it down "why don't you be good for something and draw down the shade" might be the best album opening lyrics ever sunny warm spring weather this is what I asked for, no? so why does this now feel like emotional_rock_bottom because I know I can't get what I want or because I know I have to try anyway the human condition got to work with what you've got keep_it_dark I can't change the way people think feel and see I can't make them care enough to hold on to what we're losing losing art and beauty and characters to indifference and immediacy and fashion what does it matter to be a king or to be a hero or to be a villain or to be a legend in a world that only wants today's jester and to see yesterday's triumph become today's tragedy there are people who tell me I need therapy for healing physically, you know totally talking about physical_therapy there are others who don't think it'll do me any good, papers filed, assumptions made, voices heard, the utter condescension of being told to 'tough it out' doesn't it sound just as bad as being told to jump on board and subscribe to an ideology which someone so vehemently believes in? I open up about feeling discouraged, I'm met with solutions I express hesitation to the method, I'm met with anger I don't want to open up anymore I don't want to seek help if what I'm going to find is people who make things worse I'd rather suffer in silence I'm good at that give me that dreary weather again take this hope away, I don't trust you don't make me feel like I'm wasting the day make me feel like it's worth wasting again I am not healed and I don't want to be with them you spoke to me, in the old_town slim_slow_slider yes this boy too is breaking down blather is on its technical_difficulties arc, so this will have to wait TUESDAY the rain came bloom_in_gloom blather still sleeping cancel friends with plans I am more tender in this space, more generous in this silence, somehow more loving for being alone blessed is the shroud of this day without expectation being benign begin in the dark WEDNESDAY my whole existence is a mire of indifferent confusion, spreading out. "floats around and takes me over // like a little drop of ink in a // glass of water" sleep comes and goes. with as much frequency and advance warning and enthusiasm as urination. what time is it? who cares? my friends are still here anyway. I'm avoiding them like estranged relatives at a funeral. I'll love them when I can. I am so unsatisfied. it's my brother's birthday. I don't want to tell him anything because I don't want to hear from him. it won't hurt his feelings. they tell me he's a good person these days. actions do speak louder. but I can't forget. "nobody cares about how I feel" wrong "nobody's invested in me or my sadness" wrong "either tell a good story or shutup you're so boring" wrong "nobody gives a shit about your writing. they'll support you if you express yourself but they don't actually care. and they never will." wrong wrong wrong and I know it they do want to see me. they're still waiting. so am I. the_rain_will_leave_today it will probably mean something when it happens. but in_this_now I_know_the_darkness the sun when it comes will probably change the way it feels. but will it change the way it is? the light which pierces the black is an interruption. I think we forget, for how dependent we are on that burning star, that light is not the natural state of the universe. the distance between sources of light is nearly as enormous and discouraging as the distance between strangers. if it wasn't for what fire exists, what electricity, what love, what will to eat drink shit fuck and survive, what unsustainable energy of existence taken for granted as it inevitably falls towards entropy, it would always be dark. 240305 what's it to you? who go blather from