woyzeck_and_company e_o_i Group_work can be annoying when people can't get along, but that wasn't the issue today. Just that my other two group members are/were going through terrible things, and I can't relate, and don't want to make anything worse. Actually, now that I write this, I think I shouldn't try to record everything tonight. The presentation got postponed from today to tomorrow, and more sleep for me will mean better chances of doing the thing well. That in turn might mean less overall stress for my group members, TK and LN. What did I draft already? "It started with the presentation for immer_immersion, on the play Woyzeck by Georg Büchner. My group, the only one with three people in it, was supposed to go today. LN wasn't feeling up to it, so we didn't. I didn't know the details at first. She didn't say anything when she was in class - unusual for her. And she looked how pale would look if it was an emotion instead of a variation in shade." (I like the *idea* of the last sentence but not the wording. But maybe I'm an asshole to try to be poetic now.) 230524 ... e_o_i The group presentation on Woyzeck went well! Yesterday was a lot, though. I'd planned to present yesterday, but because of everything going on with LN, plus various technology misunderstandings, the prof agreed to postpone ours to the next day. Then the program director did a sort of intervention because of conflicts in the class. He talked to the class as a whole and then everyone individually. I wasn't aware of any major problems, but I think part of it was that some students were talking over others, creating resentment. According to John, the director, I wasn't a problem: I participated a reasonable amount without being overbearing. So that was good, but in that meeting I also suggested two things the program might give a heads-up about...maybe banking too much on my "not overbearing" credits...and he had already addressed one in the fine print of the course (make sure your phone can be "unlocked" before you leave). (About the in-class conflicts, today Lisa switched the seating around, which is a simple but I think very reasonable thing to do. She also said the talks went well and that she was happy with the results.) Aaaaanyway, then I had a presentation prep session with LN and TK. Overall it went well; we got things done and had a good walk to and from the tram (second time with the dog, and coming back without LN because she lived in a different place). But those conversations were draining for me. LN was talking about how her depression made reading Woyzeck, the Buchner play, particularly difficult, and she'd had a dissociative episode during the training weekend where she had to go to the hospital. To top it all off, the character in the play is implied to kill himself at the end (that's not really a spoiler because it's mostly surmised; the play was left unfinished when Buchner died of TB) and she had attempted that last year. So did TK - she told me that on the way home, once LN had gone. And how she would joke about the circumstances to other people, but other people would withdraw or tell her not to talk about it, even though they knew her well (from board game clubs and student associations). What did I think about all that? "I mean, it's your story. It's your experience. So you have more say over it than other people. So I don't think it's bad to talk about it. But then sometimes people are squeamish about things, or it makes them uncomfortable, and that makes sense too." She said, "But some people are squeamish about even smaller things. I was telling a story about how I cut my hand by accident - I thought it was funny - but one girl said to stop, stop, stop, it disturbed her." "Yes...I'm not like that now, but I used to be afraid of blood - when someone else told a story about thinking they saw a vial of blood at a tattoo artist's - that was probably actually ink - I thought I would faint." (I didn't exactly - but have a panic attack, yes.) And that led to me telling her about the time I hit S. ten_years_ago (11, actually). I don't know why, but I thought it might make her feel reassured that someone else was fucked up in a *different* way and is now doing better. My logic isn't super sound here, is it? But she didn't seem to be put out by my story, to consider it as added stress. Was it helpful, though? I don't know. It wasn't as if my situation was as bad - I mean for myself. I said that trauma-induced anxiety - for me, anyway - wasn't as bad as PTSD, from everything I've heard of the latter. And that the thing that initiated the trauma was my fault. Anyway, it was LN more than her who was in a semi-crisis state, plus with grad school applications to write... God, I'm glad I'm not 20 or 23. Secondary_stress was giving me a tough time last night, but after a decent sleep (not to long, but with dreams of weird mundane-ness), I felt refreshed. LN couldn't sleep at all, but she'd gotten some work done and seemed more in control. I hope those kids do okay. I don't want to go all motherly - they're not literally kids and I'm not all that much older - but still. Before I fell asleep last night, I thought, "There are so many problems that already exist. There are so many ways of accidentally upsetting someone. So I should never deliberately upset a person - never say anything I know could be hurtful." Okay, Kirsten. But just wait until the next time you get pissed off. It's a good think to strive for, though! 230525 ... e_o_i A good THING, a good THING. Not a good think. That makes it even more abstract and unattainable. 230526 what's it to you? who go blather from