fairness_and_honesty past if i was being fair, i'd say there was only a few incidents so far. if i was being honest, i'd say one is too many. we're on vacation, not babysitting. 150717 ... past fairness is worn down by honest thoughts. the longer they're held in, the more fragile the peace. 150731 ... unhinged i don't see why these things have an inverse relationship, but i guess they do don't they? 150731 ... unhinged in all fairness, i know i become very introverted when i am upset. only more so around people that tell me i get upset too easily, that i overreact to things, that i make a big deal out of nothing. but i don't think it's nothing when someone holds you down during sex. was he violent? no. did he hold my torso down when i stopped giving him oral sex? yes. i am allowed to be upset about that. i was evasive with him for months afterwards and then he finally pushed me too far and i told him the real reason why he hadn't seen me for months. i was making a big deal out of nothing because he didn't hold me down 'with hella force.' so the fact that he held me down was 'no big deal.' for months i tried to convince myself it was no big deal. but it obviously was. because i would rather sleep at 11pm then allow him to come over my apartment, because i don't want to sleep with him anymore, i am accused of being a child. because my feelings and needs and wants once again mean nothing to the person i am involved with. but i should go out of my way to accommodate him and his schedule so that i can be treated like a hooker. i am the childish one. right. the fucked up part is i feel childish for being so upset i couldn't get on the bus when i saw him waiting for the same bus yesterday, just like he said i was. why is it childish to not want to be around someone that treats you like that? why is it ok for him to get mad and say whatever he wants to me but when i try to be honest i am the one with a problem? this is not a new scenario for me. my feelings have been dismissed by so many people, at this point i really do believe i am the one with the problem. i am unfit to interact with other people. i should just stop. 150731 ... past today is a new day, but i only have so many damns to give you (or anyone!) in a 24 hour period. at this point i can either be cold or cruel. 150801 ... past being woken up to deal with a grown adult being petulant and petty in the middle of the night makes me petulant and petty during the day. 150801 ... e_o_i I think you're perfectly justified. I'd feel scared if someone treated me in an aggressive way like that (partly for my own safety/comfort and partly scared that I'd lose my temper - but that's me, and you don't sound like you have anger problems (if anger is considered a problem, though, maybe everyone has anger problems?)) Anyway, if you've told him where your boundaries are, and he doesn't respect that... his problem. 150801 ... e_o_i Oh. Sorry. I meant to say that to unhinged and not past. Petty and waking people up, I connect with that, but this time I'm the culprit: A week ago I woke up my parents (inadvertently) by playing piano at three A.M. There was no reason why I couldn't have just used my little Yamaha keyboard. I was trying to write words to a song and the words were being difficult. Very stereotypical of lackadaisical lazy artist-dom, too. I don't want to be a caricature OR wake people up. 150801 ... past i think i'd prefer waking up to piano than the current situation. it is difficult to help someone who doesn't realize they are being helped, and who does their best (or so it seems) to be an inconsiderate slob. fairness, which i'm using largely as giving the benefit of the doubt, has been worn to a nub. i'm falling back to stereotypical politeness. if it wasn't at home, it'd be easier. there's no escape when my place of refuge is colonized by that i wish to escape. 150803 ... leif When you'd like to visit Alberta, I have a spare room with your name on it. 150803 ... unhinged funny how he tried to twist up into all my fault. i am so tired of getting involved physically and/or emotionally with assholes. *sigh* i have my equilibrium back but i really have no desire whatsoever to date. at all. 150803 ... birdmad I deal in either only so far as i think their relative value as social currency will ostensibly get me at any given moment I think I have finally made peace with the notion of being a weird, cranky and idiosyncratic prick with a dysfunctional and somewhat surreal worldview and sense of humor 150809 ... past i'll support whatever decision you make, even if i think it's terrible. 150817 ... past we gave you a bed, a room when you were in need and you have the fucking nerve to lie to us, slander us? fuck you. fairness is over. fairness requires a modicum of respect. if you have none, why should i? we took you in. you are still here, polluting our home with your presence, your lies, your betrayals, your lack of basic decency. the projected_tension has broken the surface and i am done. i will not have my good deeds turned against me. fuck. 150819 what's it to you? who go blather from