heavy_night jane do you believe in parallel_universe s? do you believe they are accessible, and that somebody like me would be able to break through to them? tonight i imagined this whole other life of me, where i wasn't so fucked up in junior high, and max and i became high school sweethearts, but then lost touch with each other. or maybe it was that my brother's death brought us together. and what better excuse to leave your lover than the death of someone close to you? i don't want to leave my lover, not one bit. so why does this vision pop into my head? have i broken the time_space_continuum? and why can't i erase this vision of my brother's death? why do i feel it's impending doom? why do i think he won't make it back from this trip? i feel i'm already in mourning. i've been crying all night as if he's already gone, and having anxiety about having to give a eulogy. about having to watch my parents bury their son, and in turn, they watch me bury my brother. the stress of what to do with all of his stuff, who does it go to? what would he want? attempting to alleviate my parents from that task - there may be stuff they shouldn't find that i wouldn't think was such a big deal. then i start thinking about who i would want to go through my stuff. and if for some reason, that person didn't, what would my loved ones think of me based on what i'd left behind? my eyes hurt from crying. i took a long shower and made myself some mint tea. it's past 3am now. i am not sleepy, but i am tired of feeling this way. i hope it's gone in a few hours. 100123 ... cr0wl wow...that was intense. i hope you were able to fall asleep. i think you know where i stand on parallel universes and at least imagining the ability to travel between them from my stories here. i think you're dealing with natural fears. you're human. but you're much more because you are made up of many parts and elements that constitute a whole. some of it belongs elsewhere between our understanding of time and space. i have had several experiences, whether they be brainfire or inner world travel, and have realized it's like a pass (marox_pass) one possesses to go from one world to another. we learn how to speak the language. we make friends. we view life from a completely different perspective. but that's just the way i do it. you have a pass. yours is different, but perhaps we have seen each other on the train or on the back of a bird? 100123 ... unhinged ever_since i told you i love you, i have felt you trying to run. i have tried to convince you, hold on to you, but it keeps coming back. there is something in you that pulls on something in me. attraction. not just physical, chemical, but something else. it happens rarely, so when it does i don't know how to explain it. why some people are more worth fighting for than others. maybe my love seeks you like a magnet because you need it. maybe people are wrong when they say relationships based on need won't last. why else do people find each other? if you walk away from me, it won't change how i feel about you. i won't be out tomorrow looking for someone new. i'll be broken at best wondering if you feel as blue. we are addicts because we need love and can't find it. we are addicts because we are afraid to let our light out. we are addicts because we think we deserve to be shrunken and dirty, because we are afraid to make new patterns for ourselves. not just you, but me too. the world is suffering. you can't protect me from that. i can't protect you either. but we could carry each other across the water. that's what love is supposed to do. (i don't know how much longer i can hold on to you when we keep coming back to this. but i will not be the one to let go first. the way i love you won't allow it) 100123 what's it to you? who go blather from