broken_heart alyssa On the average day I have enough to keep me occupied so that I don't dwell on the fact that I'm living my worst nightmare daily. Tonight things calmed down. I went out to eat with my friend and he asked what my ex is like. A thousand memories flashed through my head, too many thoughts to put into words. I said I missed him and I realized that was the first time I had told anyone that. So I've been laying in bed, trying to sleep. I can't believe this is actually how things are. He doesn't want to see me. I love him. There is no forgiveness. There is a new girlfriend. And the thought of it makes me sick. It makes me want to throw up until I die. I love him. I never want to love anyone again. Every moment now means nothing. He said he would marry me. He said he would marry alex too. I guess it's all a joke with him. I guess that's why they say to ask what happened to the last girlfriend, cause it'll probably happen to you. I have no choices. All I have is heart break. I can honestly say that losing him was the worst thing that ever happened in my life. Considering that I watched my own dad die, I hope that conveys what I knife I have through my soul. I will never be the same. I don't care if what I say sounds cheesy. It's true and it comes from the bottom of my stupid broken heart. 010723 ... luck is green i'm on the other side of this, more or less. except for the other girlfriend bit. no desire. i can't explain reasons here or anywhere else .. there arn't words. except that i would have gladly thrown myself off a building if i had to love against my Wish for even another day. 010723 ... birdmad high off the glue fumes from the futility of trying to put the pieces back in place though some are missing and there is no blueprint slumped against the wall like a nodding junkie trompe_le_coeur 010723 ... bespeckled It sneaked up on me, it stabbed me in the back after promising only good things. It blinfolded my eyes and poured love down my throat, whispering "drink, and all will be wonderful," and I drank, and as I drank with blind eyes, it stabbed me while I couldn't see. And all the love poured out my stomach. It is the color of unrequited, and as it spills along the pavement, I stare at the puddles, and I feel_so_foolish 020820 ... blamethesky is tattooed on my wrist... 020821 ... silentbob i draw them everywhere 020822 ... daxle punk rock love 020822 ... Beth ...feels normal 020822 ... .-. status quo 020822 ... psychobabe i dont exactly...think my heart is broken nore has it ever been. I know it has been cut open, twisted in and out, beaten and raped, but not broken. Heh so young so little known about the world and its people. Funny of how thats such a blind statement. ever get that feeling..you know when your just blank. Or the feeling when you try to do something right for a change but your mother doesnt seem to notice...? expecting so much....trying your best but all you can do is skrew up more than life itself.. When will the days end from feeling like such a let down..feeling like such a burden in my own familys life... I used to say in the end i'll make everyone pay and they would see..scares me at times to think that may happen someday. i KNOW i've skrewed up.. i KNOW i'm not good... i KNOW all i've ever done is make people feel like shit and make my own mom pissed at me. I just fucking LOVE it to death when she says i exhaust her. Just fucking LOVE it. (sorry if you cant sense the fucking sarcasm) I'm going to leave. Start a new fucking life and just leave everyone here behind. Why would it matter anyways? all i've seemed to do is make their lives worse. So leaving them behind will be nothing but an action. A thing to help theirselves. I pray my life was just a dream, i wish it was! but this is reality and life is a fucking BITCH! if i could i'd kick its ass and say WHAT THE FUCK! WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO PEOPLE! Make them feel like such shit that they cant even look into the mirror without FLINCHING!!!! GOD THERE IS NOTHING to help the anger, NOTHING to help the pain.... how i fucking want to hurt things, hurt myself just feel something to know i'm still alive... *sigh* in the end all i can do is fall to my knees weak and pathetic. all i can do is weap and cry out to no ones who wont listen. I could kill myself now because i'm dead in my own mind...who knows anymore. Who knows whats real and whats fake...it doesnt matter...cuz no one cares enough to try... 021003 ... jackie shut the fuck up, [insert uninspired name]. we don't want to hear about how things are bad for you. get over yourself. we've been through this. 021119 ... kerry i feel like a chemo patient yellow skin, balding, desolate my body crawling with tubes and wires i can't stand up i can barely breathe 021120 ... psychobabe hey jackie. Lick me and fucking love it cuz you will never know what i've been throu NORE will i ever know what you've been through SO FUUUUUCK IT!!!! 021122 ... girl_jane (u) in msn language... 021122 ... crOwl don't go smashing wine bottles on the road. 060522 what's it to you? who go blather from