belly fire Mother, I need to talk to you.
I feel that I need your perspective as a woman. I feel that I need to relate to you and how you've felt inside your body over the last 55 years. I feel that maybe you could have some answers for me; something to offer, at least. I feel that there is an emptiness that comes from being objectified, a loneliness that comes from being a completely different sexual being from a man. I feel that you can totally love a man and still feel completely misunderstood by him. I feel that you might relate. Have you been trapped by your own desire to please someone, Mother? Have you felt like a vessel?
magpie said yesterday
"you've never been
on a vacation"
i know i said
"i could hitchhike
to nova scotia"
oldephebe god that was so honest, so beautiful 040605
kerry we pulled into the driveway and i was about to cry and didn't really know the reason. she seemed okay, used to picking up after us, ignoring our occasional rude comments. i looked at the plastic grocery bag sweating on the floor of the car, stuck to the sides of the milk that it held. i picked up the bag myself, heavy as it was, surprised that i hadn't waited and hoped for someone else to do it first as i normally would.
i got out of the car, elbow folding inward and outward with the weight of the bag slinging me off-kilter. she looked at me as she came around the front of the car. "want me to carry that?"
she is my mother; why wouldnt i do these things for her?
nom i don't want her to feel bad 060120
nom oh mother dear i cannot tell 070325
nom said maybe he's yet to fall madly in love with me but that if he doesn't someone will 070422
nom i told her yesterday i was sad
and that i couldn't eat
i never tell her i'm sad
or that i can't eat
Isaou Mother doesn't understand this teenage world I live in 070604
le leche league were you breast fed? 080116
margaux should i trust the government? 080117
cocoon it makes me sad that whenever i talk to you these days

1. i have to mentally prepare myself for the phone call
2. i want the phone call to be over as soon as possible
3. when its done, i feel depressed/stressed/angry/like crying.

i never thought i would feel this way
raze i thought i saw you in a restaurant. dyed red hair. green sweater. it was awkward before it became anything. then i realized it wasn't you, as suddenly as i'd thought it was. relief isn't a big enough word.

you wouldn't be eating out with friends like that woman was anyway. you don't have any friends. only people who buy the lies you sell them out of politeness or indifference or shared symptoms of a common disease.
what's it to you?
who go