if_i_could_only_scream vertigo say something. no, forget that... all our lives together youve been unable to say something to me. words meant for me came out as stutters, choked as if they stung, they hurt to say. so you just stuck to the easy stuff... beautiful, chilling coldness that could easily have been meant for anyone, anyone at all. ahmad... we've always talked through a glass wall. no amount of tears and soft tapping could ever shatter those force feilds. dont know why ive always been attracted to you. as a lover, as a friend. all im ever doing is pounding on your glass walls, demanding to be let in. 040110 ... sh sh sh shadow le crowl pounding on your glass walls. i'm let in only after one time. she's like come on in. then she shows me who she is. we talk by the fire. she tells me where she's from. where she goes. it was so fucking cold today, o degrees so everyone was talking to everyone, moving up close by the fire, as if conversation could help ease the chill. and it did, it really did. i could scream hello to all my friends. and i did. even drew them a picture when they weren't home, of me in the truck waiting, hoping they would show up. 040110 ... flux i don't know why i want to. but i do. and i don't. and i want to throw goblets of wine down onto market street. and watch liquid fragments flow over the pavement. 040111 ... kyla strep_throat? 040112 ... mon krakatoa 040112 ... endless desire and no one would stare and i would be alone and i would still be okay. and then i'd wake up and feel so much better, you see. 040112 ... guitar_freak I met the deceased two years ago one Thursday night. My sponser had forced me to attend this meeting that was held at this man's house because he was sick with cancer. I walked into this house with a bad attitude, a shitty life, and misery leaking out of every pour in my body. I walked out much the same, but I came back every Thursday after that night. This old guy with cancer became my friend with many stories. I looked forward to the next story he would tell about being a pilot in the Korean War. I enjoyed walking into his house, shaking his hand, grabbing my coffee and a cookie, and listening to his tales. Sometimes I came in a bad mood characteristic of early recovery, but he always made me laugh and me grateful for what I had today. He changed me as a person. This man was sitting in front of me dying slowly, but all he could do was laugh and talk of how wonderful his life was today. I was scared that every time I would leave him it would be for the last time. His doctor told him that there was nothing he could do anymore and that he honestly should have been dead three years ago and that the medical profession had nothing to offer him. The doctor said that the only reason that my friend was alive was because of the friends he had around him, AA, and his attitude towards life. I grabbed a roll of toilet paper, my coat, keys, and phone and headed to the doors. My mom asked me if I had a cold and I told her that I just don't deal well with death. I went to the funeral home with dozens of cars parked outside hoping that as soon as I walked in the door I would see someone I knew. I wasn't dissapointed. Many AA friends lined the walls and family members of the deceased wandered around shaking hands. I could already feel my eyes swelling. His granddaughter was in the middle of the room and I rushed over to her. She was one of my best friends and when we embraced we started to cry. I knew her and her immediate family a long time before I knew her grandfather, grandmother, cousins, aunts, and uncles. She and I would talk forever about how special her grandfather was to each of us and how much he has made a difference in our lives. I knew that I would only be able to start healing once I saw her again. The wake was emotional. My friend's mother, or daughter depending upon the friend, came up to me and said something that will always stick in my heart. She said that I and the AA program gave her father life and that without us he wouldn't have been around to be the father and grandfather that he was. See, this program gave him life and it gave me life, but beyond that it gave the opportunity for friendship, companionship, love, and joy in the lives of everyone in that room. When she said those words I knew that everything would be alright because although people pass on, this program lives in the hearts of those choose. My friend received his medallion for 17 years of sobriety the day before he died and the greatest honor that any alcoholic could aspire to- dying a sober, step-working member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 040112 ... crowler great post. it's well written because you lived it. 040113 ... endless desire agreed. wonderful most and most enjoyed sometimes you can read life in words 040113 ... guitar_freak thank_you 040117 what's it to you? who go blather from