current_worries epitome of incomprehensibility This didn't go in "queen," because I am a lowly commoner, but this afternoon I was also mulling over various complaints: a) Headache and tiredness b) Dog being sick; maybe it's some non-GERMy germ that I've got too but didn't make me throw up? c) I can't get my online German textbook (the credit card got fixed, but other things went wrong and the site automatically refused my payment, even with Dad's card). Should I tell the prof? It's not her problem, but I want to prove I'm not lazy. d) I started crying in German class today because I felt overwhelmed, even though I wasn't terribly sad or feeling like a failure. I don't know who noticed. It's just that I didn't have time to write down a table of adjective endings and didn't pay attention when she was telling us about the next speaking-out-loud task, so I was in no state of mind to form a sentence in a third language. I slipped out to blow my nose in the bathroom, conveniently missing that part of a part of the lesson. e) The prof wrote on her lesson plan to tell her if you have problems that might need accommodations. Should I write her about the textbook problems AND having trouble with the fast-paced speaking and listening parts because of ADHD? But what do I hope to accomplish? The ADHD part is sort of there already, in that my name is somewhere on a list she got and it says I can have up to 33% more time with final exams, which I probably don't need unless I get to an exam late (cough, cough, Indo-European midterm). I'm good with most exams. Oral exams, no, but everyone has their weak points, and my language ones are probably more because of introversion. I don't really want or expect her to slow down certain parts the lesson for me. I just want to be BETTER at it. But the hard part: I have to accept that, as an introvert with certain problems as well as certain talents, I simply have to work harder at the listening and speaking parts of learning a new language than many other people do. f) Can I avoid setting up the new computer for a couple more days? Yes, because this week I don't have to make a quiz for Socio. Okay, but I'm avoiding things. Okay, but so what. 220908 ... epitome of incomprehensibility If I'd gotten the online textbook earlier, though, I could have started on the exercises there already. That part is just bad luck. What the fuck is wrong with BlinkLearningOrWhatever's ordering system? First they tell me to enter a tracking number that they didn't give me, then they refuse my payment outright (probably some automatic thing) but say "You have no orders," THEN they don't answer an email I sent last night except with a stupid automatic response. 220908 ... e_o_i Pah, I shouldn't be platching over automatic blobberations and blothering up blather with them. But I'm more gruntled now because I was finally able to order the damn online textbook. Calloo callay! (I was afraid I'd have to use my international calling card to contact the company in Spain, but phew at the payment finally working.) 220908 ... e_o_i Feeling overwhelmed and like a failure. Yay, consistency. Also having to care about nation-states and their obnoxious leaders. Not having enough tutoring but still avoiding working on a grant application because I'm terrified of doing new things. See #1. 250213 ... e_o_i This is silly and trivial, but... That I've lost the imagination I had when I was younger. What prompted this thought? Most lately, I read "chicken" and chuckled at raze's entry. Then I found I'd written something there twelve years ago and chuckled at a surreal sentence...but *then* I worried that these days I'd never come up with something like "demanding a rematch from the editor of North America." Was I a better metaphor mixologist in my youth? God, this is silly. It's like my catastrophizing. I saw Jojo Rabbit for the second time last week (movies_with_Mom). The image of hiding from bombs in a damaged basement made me worry all of a sudden that the U.S. would start a war with Canada. My dad: I don't think that's likely. Me: But if they DO start one, they could take us over! And then, and then...and then Donald Trump would take over the Canada Council for the Arts, and then they'd reject my grant because my novel sounds too "woke" or something. By that time we were both laughing. Okay, I guess I can depend on my brain to be silly. But I miss being able to spontaneously produce that specific surreal mixed-metaphor style of writing. Maybe I need to practice more. Practice how to be spontaneous, that's it. 250223 ... raze i've had some similar feelings, i think. i'll land on a blathe from even a few years ago, find my name at the bottom, and think, "jeebus. i used to be able to write some pretty lengthy things. where did *that* guy go?" sometimes i'm not sure if i'll ever be able to write anything as ambitious and full-bodied as "trailer" or "misnomer" again. but i've done my best to accept that i am where i'm at right now, and if things want to come out kind of wee, all i can do is try to make them the best wee things they can be. for what it's worth, i think your voice is just as compelling as it ever was, and wholly your own, full of rich, rewarding, and unexpected turns. maybe circumstances and energy levels (emotional or otherwise) have altered our instruments a little, but we're still ourselves. ... or are we? ::: ominous music plays ::: 250223 ... e_o_i I'm glad this resonated with you and thank you for the reassurance. It's late now, but I want to get to "trailer" - thanks too for bringing that to my attention. An outside perspective sometimes helps - e.g., it's never occurred to me to think "Why hasn't raze written long blathes lately? I demand long-form content!!" (Where did that expression come from, "long-form"? Maybe more from essays or journalism than stories.) (And I'm the opposite that way. I wish I could get some of my stories and non-fiction essays shorter.) Anyway, even though I was needlessly whiny, I think I came to a realization: it's interesting to look over older things because you can see what you do better now as well as what you haven't done in a while because you might flex that writing muscle. As long as you aren't coming at it in a mood where every real or perceived deficiency depresses you. Whiny. Yup, I was a little ashamed after I wrote this about complaining, because THAT SAME DAY I'd been messaging a) someone who wasn't getting enough food because she lived in a war zone and b) someone who was having trouble getting enough food for her kids AND facing cancer treatments. So why was I all "Oh no, I'm losing my creativity?" Such a worry is a chimera, and a chimera is a mix of different animals, except this time it's only a shadow animal created by anxious hands. 250224 ... e_o_i edits ("about complaining" wasn't meant to be there. Remove it and the sentence makes more sense.) 250224 what's it to you? who go blather from