built_up too much i'm sorry. i sit here, sometimes, and think of things to say and i have to censor most of it, because so-and-so might think i'm talking to them. or i fear the reaction i'd get from some other person and so i don't want to start that because then i'd have to defend something that was just supposed to be a vague take-it or leave-it, anyway. so i try to say the things that have nothing to do with anything. and occasionally talk to the people i really want to talk to, in danger of getting the reactions i don't want to deal with from the other people. i don't deal with people normally. if i can't just do whatever i want here, i have to leave. i can't solve anybody's problems, or make people feel better. i don't think i've ever actually made anybody feel better around here, only given them the hope. but i've always wanted that hope to be a generalized hope for everything, not a hope for me. chasing me. all the time. lots of people. so i just run you out into the realm of possibilities and uncertainty. it's the best i can do. i belong to the world, but i spend all my time on the internet. 010104 ... too much and, sometimes, people even post here under my name. it's not even me that you think you're talking to. 010104 ... birdmad to be summarily knocked_down 010104 what's it to you? who go blather from