what_are_you_doing_new_year's_eve raze there's a song in my heart, but it isn't mine. frank loesser wrote it thirty-six years before i was born. he hated having to watch it turn into a holiday staple. he didn't write it as an end-of-the-year song. he wrote it as an unbridled love song. it isn't my voice singing frank's words. it's ella fitzgerald's. ella could make the greatest jazz musicians who ever lived want to throw down their horns and say, "fuck this shit." you can listen to her scat for ten minutes straight and never hear her repeat herself. not for a second. not once. it's just one mind-melting improvised melody after another. i don't know how a person even thinks that fast. where i'm at right now, i want to slow things down. i want to see the seams between the days and all the stitching that connects them. i want to hear every sound resonate past the point of reason. i want every smile to make my cheekbones splinter. i want every storm to wash the world away and bring it back a kinder, stranger place. i want everything to last forever. and i know it won't. even this year is already almost gone, when i swear it just got here. but i can hold onto what's left of it long enough to feel it slip away. and i can hold you from behind the same way the night is holding me now, with every naked tree in this grey-blue sky a silent witness to whatever comes next. 211231 ... nr i got this in my head after someone posted a video (but the zoe/jgl version), popped over to blather, and saw this. new_year's_eve blather_synchronicity. heading off to listen to the ella one now. 211231 ... nr zooey, not zoe! (sorry, zooey-not-zoe; i blame my post-nap brain.) 211231 ... unhinged i shared a carafe of warm shoju with robert, had some salmon green curry from the thai place downstairs and went to bed at the same time i usually do after 2021 i felt absolutely no need to stay up to welcome 2022 220101 ... kerry i watched tv and ate chicken nuggets, saw an enormous firework display around 8 and heard another at midnight. it sounded like thunder. a little while later there were sirens, probably the aftermath of too much partying and drunk driving. it's foggy now because we're so close to the river. it really just feels like another day. new years is always like that. 220101 ... tender_square michael and i prepared a big feast over two days since we didn’t take one on for thanksgiving. we had homemade southern mac and cheese (the recipe calls for a bit of velveeta in it, which makes it extra gooey), green bean casserole (from scratch, none of that campbells mushroom soup nonsense), and some shredded potato dish with aged vermont cheddar and sour cream that was like eating heavenly, savory clouds. michael made himself a ribeye and i had everything-bagel crusted salmon. we watched michigan play georgia in the orange bowl, but stopped after halftime since we were down by 14 points and we weren’t going to make up that deficit. i browsed for thrifted sweaters on thredup between plays and bought one with store credit that said “geek” because why not? i went to bed at 10, like i always do. (and happy belated new year to the blather fam. wishing you a 2022 filled with blessings, joy, and laughter.) 220102 ... nr i'd got four hours sleep the night before due to drama with my flight home (and a freezing cold bedroom) and was exhausted all day. i got home at about 3pm, ate some food for the first time that day, and collapsed in my own bed, which i'd only slept in once in the past two weeks. i thought i'd fall asleep right away, but sometimes i have trouble napping, or maybe i was so tired i couldn't sleep (was i also a liar and a thief?). i took a tiny bit of a benzo and fell asleep until 8:30pm. i felt discombobulated like i always do after naps, and a bit queasy and drowsy, like i sometimes do after the benzo. i got to use the word "discombobulated" a lot though, which was fun. i ordered sushi and watched the tranzac's zoom concert. it's not the same as being there in person, but the intimacy is still felt, especially when the coordinator says hi to you and other regulars. then my friend was hosting a zoom dance party (or "do what ever you want to while the music plays" party) where she streams virtual sets from DJs in the city. i found a "happy new year" sparkly tiara on the top of my bookshelf and participated in the party for awhile, actually dancing in my living room on camera to a few of the songs. one was robyn's "dancing on my own" (too on the nose?) and one was the beastie boys' "intergalactic." that zoom dance party happened almost every weekend in 2020, and it was revived for this grinch-variant-affected new_year's_eve. it was really nice to talk in the chat to some of the regulars again. i left it before the part in the night where the music stops and they unmute themselves and talk with their voices though, because that part makes me anxious. i also watched another livestream of a fun local cover band. i do like being able to "attend" various events when i feel like it while sitting at home and wearing pyjama-like pants. i was in bed by 2am, which is pretty good for me for new_year's_eve. 220102 what's it to you? who go blather from