shit_michael_says
tender_square upon hearing heaven 17’s “penthouse and pavement” on first wave: “this sounds like a cocaine-fueled fever dream.”

and: “i can imagine the lead singer leaving bed in a leopard-print robe to write this song.” 		211017
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tender_square after watching a video tutorial i sent on moon salutation featuring a bald guy with tattoos explaining the movements, michael joked, “i didn’t know ed kowalczyk became a yoga instructor!” (it’s really jim bennitt with yoga international, but they do look alike!) 211022
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tender_square it’s my parents wedding anniversary today. “tell your parents i said congratulations on the most passionate low-level fight for 41 years,” michael said.

(my mom’s response to that was “it’s our foreplay.” gross.) 		211025
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tender_square “i squeezed out a few turd words today,” he admitted.

“you mean you wrote? see! i told you if you showed up something would happen!”

“well, i was compelled to write by my motavatrix wife.” (see “podium”)

i forgot that he coined this term a while ago, complete with my catchphrase: “do your best, or else!” 		211208
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tender_square “you know what we should give your dad this year? a coupon for two hours of manly dignity.”

i howled at this.

“your mom would have to be on board though, as she would be the grantor of such a gift. she would, like, have to talk not for two hours. i don’t know if she could manage that.”

“true. that could be a toughie.”

then he launched into his epic, hyperbolic impression of my frustrated father that’s becoming a running joke between us: “jesus, diane! i gave you forty fucking years of my life, what else do you want from me?” 		211213
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tender_square in response to wearing some very 90s crimson lipstick yesterday: “you look like daria. or a female robert smith.” then he countered this and said maybe i was too soft to be goth, and then walked it back. “maybe it could be fitting,” he said. “you’re like, ‘i’m sensitive, but i’m fun.’” 211225
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tender_square i sang some impromptu melody that reminded michael of endor’s "pump it up," a song i’d never heard before that’s become a mainstay at sporting events as of late. i found myself surprisingly bouncing to the beat, saying how much it reminded me of 90s dance music. "i want to send this to brea so we can dance!"

"uh, i think your sister needs to pump it *down*" he said. brea’s energy exhausted him over the holidays (i don’t blame him, it tends to have that effect on me, too). "you should tell her, 'listen to this before you see me,'" he suggested, as a way for her to burn off the excess brea brio. 		211229
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tender_square the pest control guy noted fecal matter in the attic and suspects raccoons. last night, i heard one of them trying to break down the small door leading into the finished dormer while i was washing my face, probably because one of their buddies got caught in the trap and they were looking for another way out. i called him “randy racoon” but michael was more partial to “foamy.” when i protested that i would never take a racoon for a pet (like george_bush the squirrel) because they have rabies, michael said, “what? all that foam in his mouth is just his way of showing you how much he loves you.” 220201
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tender_square "what is it with women turning 30 and suddenly getting into crafting? they're all like, 'i'm going to craft the fuck out of this weekend!'" 220308
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tender_square i recounted how when i was a child, i was very particular about how the furniture in barbie's dreamhouse was arranged and how my barbie's were dressed (a sign of things to come as an adult), to the point where i wouldn't let my younger sister play with *our* stuff unless she complied with my aesthetic. michael did an impression of eight-year-old me inspecting the rooms of barbie's mansion, turning to my sister and saying, "when the FUCK were you in here?" 220327
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tender_square dad filmed scene after scene of trees and cliffs, of the crashing waterfall we hiked to in tennessee, on the twenty-first of may, 1999. we were growing impatient with him on the hike, as he took his time lingering over leaves and our backs as we walked down the mountain. "your dad shoots video like he's terrence malick," michael said. 220418
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tender_square "i wonder if you have less thoughts than i do." 220626
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tender_square "i thought you liked taking care of house stuff because you're always so on top of it." 220629
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tender_square "it just feels like i'm off on my own." 220709
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tender_square "do you think if we lived in your hometown full-time there would be enough intellectual people for me?" 220811
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tender_square "are you going to put your dishes away?" 220814
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tender_square "you just looked at me like i'm a fucking idiot." 220826
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tender_square "this woman...i swear she's a genius' she says the things i'm thinking, but in a far more sophisticated way." 220828
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tender_square "i guess when i started here i did feel cool. i was older but not too old. and i knew that i was certainly more interesting than the professors." 220829
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tender_square "i know you'll always be okay, because you're entertained by squirrels." 220911
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tender_square "my therapist thinks you may have a caretaker complex, that when you can't make something better it destabilizes you, and that if you carry on that way it's going to eat your soul.” 220912
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tender_square "i will give you all the space you need." 220917
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tender_square "your hair smells like spiritual bookstore...like metaphysical kettle." 221106
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tender_square "now there's a voice i wish i could sterilize!" 221112
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