waking_up_sad jane i mean, even getting vertical was this byzantine effort. i had to think about what jess' mom said, to never make a decision on your back. so i sat up, gave the dog her medication, and thought about it. even now i am at work regretting my decision to get out of bed. i'm going to treat myself with a fancy coffee this morning or else i am just going to burst out in tears. 080912 ... unhinged more often than not or waking up sad and horny which is a strange combination the only time i can remember that i didn't wake up sad regularly was when for that short month i woke up with his arms around me or watching him freak in his newly awakeness when i wasn't next to him because he stifled me in the night that was a cosmic warning that i couldn't breathe next to him but his arms were solid and strong and i felt loved that was the only month of my life when waking up wasn't the beginning of dragging myself through another day it was years ago but i still remember he said to me 'i hate sleeping because waking up is so hard' sic i had such a good day yesterday until i came home and realized again that i was alone 080912 ... . (you are not alone. imagine my body pressed up against yours. soft woman-skin on woman-skin. my lips on your shoulderblades, aimed at a freckle. i can smell your hair. your eyes are closed but our hands are together.) 080912 ... jane lat night we found out she was lying about the cancer. about the rape, losing her baby, the beating. the lack of support - really aggression and antagonism - of her family. her husband being deployed. it was all lies, lies that she carried out for nearly a year. we all sent her gifts, wrote her letters, she even visited K's house. a huge waste of money/time/emotion. last night i was crying. now i just feel like it was so ridiculous. how could someone fabricate an entire life for so long. for attention? for the gifts? she shaved her head for fuck's sake. A. shaved her head to show support. who lies about cancer. 080912 ... unhinged that is fucked dude. this person needs some industrial_strength therapy. but i think if i would not have had the ideal of honesty spanked into me as a child, in my horrible darkest aloneness i could come up with some pretty sick lies for attention. 080914 ... unhinged that is a beautiful thought (.) too bad it's just a thought. 080914 ... unhinged when i can finally fall asleep. it's a strange thing to be so physically depressed you can't sleep. 081215 ... unhinged (or maybe it's just the fucking weather) 081215 ... jane you need someone to sing a lullaby. 081216 ... auburn I felt so physically heart-broken yesterday. 081216 ... Bespeckled auburn, I know the feeling. Everything tastes like cardboard? What happened? 081217 ... auburn Waking up sad ad fearful. I don't want to destroy him, but sparing him means destroying myself. Destroying who I could be. Who I want to be. Who I am. 120704 ... leif Exhaustingly familiar. 150812 ... nr recent blather is intuitive today. yesterday, it was waking up from a nice long catch-up session with a friend i haven't talked to in years. today, it was waking up from other_you and i having some kind of weird conversation and air-martial-arts practice fight. which was odd, but at least you were there, which is more than i can say for you this past year. 150812 ... flowerock Pms Weepy_uterus 150812 what's it to you? who go blather from