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mysterion
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raze
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he got his name because he was a mystery to me. he seemed to be carrying an injury when he first showed up five months ago. or maybe he was born with one arm a little shorter than the other. whatever agility he'd lost, however it was taken from him, he did a brilliant job of working around it. eight of my backyard_visitors let me feed them by hand. charles and rust used to tolerate that sometimes too. then they both decided they were more comfortable with me tossing them nuts on the ground. everyone has their own special way of making it happen. mysterion likes to stand as tall as he can. he lets himself fall in slow motion and touches me with one hand on his way down. so gently. i don't think i've ever seen him chase anyone. but if he's in the tower and he thinks someone's getting a little too close, he starts making these hilarious little squeaky grumbling sounds. it's his way of saying, "don't fuck with me." a week ago, his posture gave me pause. he slumped forward while he was eating and closed his eyes like he was kneeling to pray. when i asked if he was okay, he came around and straightened his spine. friday he seemed to be dragging his right leg. it was worse on saturday. he had to come down the fence in stages. he has a routine. he always eats a few treats on the ground. then he takes the grill to the main block and does his thing in the tower. when he's ready to go, he grabs a nut and asks for another with his eyes. this time he stuck to the grass. he sat for the usual hand-feedings, but he didn't rise up to meet me. a few times he had to catch himself with his hands when his legs stopped supporting him. it wasn't a violent thing. it was a slow, steady descent. he didn't take anything with him for the road. he just left when he'd had enough. today i found him lying in the middle of the field. not moving. for one awful moment i thought he'd come here to die. he perked up when he saw me. he hobbled over to where i was and took some walnut spears from my fingers. that right leg was as good as gone. he got tired of having to prop himself up after a while and ate on his stomach. i don't know if he fell and fractured his spine, if it's a neurological issue, or if it's just the kind of loss of mobility that comes with age. most of the time i can't even guess at how old my furry companions are. there's a stately streak of grey in mysterion's tail. the missing patches of fur on his back and face are wounds that have never healed. he's always looked like a grumpy old man with a heart of gold. maybe that's because he is one. you could say i'm worried. that would be enough of an understatement to call itself a lie. i sat down so i could get closer to him. he grabbed onto my finger and held it for a long time, though it must have hurt like hell to do it. i tried to pet him. for all the good it would have done. he didn't snap at me. he just moved away before i could touch him. i thought about bringing him to a wildlife rehab center. he didn't hang around long enough for me to find anything i could use as a makeshift carrying case. i'd probably have to trap him to get him to go anywhere with me. i'm sure he'd be terrified. and if this is as bad as i fear it could be, they'll tell me putting him down is the only humane choice. i plan on calling the nearest place that might be able to help tomorrow. i'll see what they have to say. if there's nothing that can be done for him, i think he's earned the right to go out on his own terms. when he didn't feel like eating any more, he got up and limped under the gate. i watched him turn left and run through the alley. faster than i thought he could make himself move. too stubborn and beautiful to lie down and let this beat him, though his body betrays him with every laboured step he takes. i've probably told him i love him a hundred times by now. today i forgot. and that's a heavy thing to sit with. i hope i get another chance.
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230509
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raze
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i spent the better part of yesterday thinking i'd never see him again. or worse, fearing i'd find him dead or dying. i was wrong on both counts. he dragged himself under the gate after dinner. little big girl chattered her teeth but didn't go after him. she knew it wouldn't be a fair fight. she backed off and let him come to me. he found a way to stand. he took a walnut piece from my hand. i caught one of his fingers between two of mine. he stood tall again when he was ready for a second helping, laying both hands on me. he kept stubbornly holding himself up with one arm. refusing to eat with his face in the dirt. my dad came out back to see how he was doing. mysterion climbed onto my foot to get my attention. twice. he's never done that before. no one has. not even the ones who trust me most. after handing him a lot of nuts, i gave him a blueberry to try. he made it disappear in about three seconds. i brought the water dish down to his level. he looked at me like he wanted to say, "there's no need for that." he eyed the tower. "fuck it," he said. "i'm going up there." he planted the foot he could still rely on and flew to the grill. i didn't realize how much i'd missed hearing the soft clank of his weight on rusted metal. he pulled himself up to the place he's made his own and leapt farther than i can with two good legs to get where he wanted to be. i don't know how he did it. he almost overshot the mark and fell. but he steadied himself. he slid into the corner booth sammy and jaws like best and ate with his back to me. "you're something else, buddy," i said. tears stung my eyes. he came to see me on the main block. he ate a few pumpkin seeds. i knew he wanted to stand tall and touch me the way he could a week ago. i wouldn't let him risk it. he watched little big girl head through a hole in the fence. here at nuts_to_you, we call it the side door. he dove down to the ground and followed her. not to steal what she'd left to bury. just to see what she was up to. i could see him in the gap between two pickets. i tried to call him back. but his belly was as full as his courage had made my heart, and we both knew he needed his rest. he vanished, the way the things i love often do. not gone forever. just for a while.
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230512
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raze
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he hasn't been here in almost three weeks now. i saw him in a dream last night. just a quick vignette. he was still limping a little, but well on his way to getting better. i'm telling myself it means we'll see each other again. soon.
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230531
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what's it to you?
who
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blather
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