i_searched_my_notes_for_the_word_play warmthofrelease I'm talking about the players who don't believe in systems or playing games the ones who know if you don't change anything you can't expect anything to change (May 2018) you're not a fool for playing the game you just don't need to insist on winning why would you ever be mad at yourself you wouldn't hate yourself for "not doing well enough" if you were gambling would you that doesn't make sense it's mathematical_distribution_of_chaos it's a system playing out its own possibilities you're not the rules you're not the game you're not even the player you're just the field why would you ever think you weren't good enough and as for everything else, again, why would you be mad at yourself (April 2016) [nonzero], I never got to tell you how sad I was that you were having your child before you had him. I think of how it would be different but it wouldn't have really been better would it. It was ultimately the best and most important thing you've ever done, and you simply wouldn't have done it. Mockingbird. It feels good to be a damaged sick writer but it's only because I was a little bit sick to begin with. And I can see what you meant when you told me that I didn't want to know about the similarities between me and him. Chattanooga is much more sad looking back than it was in the moment. I think back on all the times I gave you little disappointments (Interpol, the flea market, massaging and smoking, my first kiss, my...access). It feels like I couldn't save or change what we had because I wasn't willing to lie or pretend or make a promise I couldn't keep. That_sucks. But I don't think that will ever change about me. I do love you. I do want to kiss you again. That lotion you gave me, those gummy bears, those shows and your playlists. Even the hypocrisy. I'm going to Georgia, I'm going to Oklahoma. But I can't go back to Tennessee. "Hard, difficult, and something I was willing to do anyway" well yes that's exactly how I feel and felt and it's what I was trying to communicate and I thought I did. To be more specific about the wound, I can't be around your son before I'm able to confront his father and I don't know if that day can ever come. Not even necessarily to repair the relationship but just to clear the air. To be on the same page. To be able to communicate with him in the same mature and effective way I can communicate with you. Sadly I think he and I are still really far away from that. He's still in so much pain and he can't break away from you and doesn't want to. He hasn't let go of the idea of having you as a romantic partner in his life and he probably never will. He's still holding onto a lot of bitterness and he might always. The nature of our communication has to be defined. Even if it means putting things down for a while. What to do, all sad and derivative. I fear his jealousy. I fear his rage. Ideas about letting go and not letting go are getting more clear and more sad. (October 2018) from an unending faucet drip to a quiet flood that I could only keep myself from playing in the mud from the patient metronome click to an oragami folded universe there was nothing so good that I didn't feel like I had to make it worse (April 2015) (October 26, 2019) SIGNIFICATOR: Three of Cups (reversed) It's over. ASPECT OF LEAST CONTROL: The Emperor I can't be strong about it. Can't take matters into my own hands. Can't conquer my way out. ASPECT OF GREATEST CONTROL: Queen of Pentacles I have only contemplation. I can understand. But there's still more to acceptance than just understanding. LEAVING INFLUENCE: Page of Wands (reversed) My hesitation, my indecision, my awkwardness that's born of my denial, my pride, my bad attitude. Will I feel so guilty about it that I won't even be able to get rid of it, or to feel it slipping off me? COMING INFLUENCE: Queen of Cups (reversed) I have the strength to do the harsh things, the efficient and cold things that will break the bonds of trust. NEAR PAST: King of Pentacles/Five of Swords (reversed) I saw myself. I saw the game. I played. I paid the cost. NEAR FUTURE: Two of Swords (reversed) Now what seems to await us is conflict. Combat. Disloyalty. Dishonor. OUTCOME #1: Six of Cups (reversed) The things that are coming down the line, as well as the memories of things which are simultaneously carried with us and left behind, OUTCOME #2: The Devil are bringing an inevitably violent force, a fatal force of great ravaging reckoning, OUTCOME #3: Two of Cups and will somehow serve to even further solidify our sacred, inherent, unbreakable connection. This is the_cord_of_life between us. I_love_you_anyway no matter what. I can't do anything else. (not a note but a memory) what I can remember clearly is telling her "I don't want to play with you anymore" (I can't remember when) she's a pretty hard game to play he says he's afraid she won't push him away well if you're scared of something like that then maybe you should try to calm down (May 2015) 250818 what's it to you? who go blather from