age_gap epitome of incomprehensibility At the time of awkward_people_in_love, I felt charmed when David told me we were compatible both in western zodiac signs (months) and in Chinese calendar cycles (years). A light-hearted comment between two horoscope skeptics. But the stars' apparent approval cheered me. Still, I had the thought, "I suspect the Chinese calendar intends the 'dragon'/'monkey' compatibility to be for a couple 4 years apart, not 8 years apart." (It has a 12-year cycle. I'm a bit more partial to it than the western zodiac, because I get to be mythical and fire-breathing.) 8 years didn't seem too big a difference then. But fast forward from 2019 to the fall of 2024, when he writes from his second post in England that maybe things won't work out, that maybe I don't have enough "independent" life experience and will somehow drag him down. The words aren't that stark. But I don't just feel worried about our future together, I also feel insulted. 1988 dragon to 1980 monkey: I am stronger than you think. ... I answer specific concerns: Exhibit 1) Cooking experience = um, yes, I have cooked "whole meals" before. Seriously, have you not been paying attention? Exhibit 2) Car-driving experience = none, but I'd be taking lessons now if I had the budget. Exhibit 3) Anxiety and emotion regulation = well...you can tell the former has gotten better since 2020, but I may have *always* a harder time with emotion regulation than some other people because of ADHD. I can't promise that will magically go away. But I promise to be considerate, not to be over-dependent, to give as well as take. Haven't I showed that? What can I do better?? I am open to listen, to change. But whenever I answer a specific worry, another one pops up. His reasons get vague, ineffable. (Eff the ineffable, you unsure philosopher). He's put up a barrier I can't get through. Maybe it's the Atlantic Ocean. But maybe it's maturity, or my lack of it. ... But isn't a big part of that just our age difference? Many couples are perfectly fine with an age difference of over five years, but I suspect it's *generally* more difficult to relate to someone much younger or older than you. In romantic relationships anyway. Less so for friendships. Speaking of friends, I have one whose parents are 18 (yes, 18) years apart. Married at 23 and 41. Their divorce wasn't that surprising. Word was, they grew apart, like trees bending towards different suns. 250330 ... warmthofrelease It can make a difference. If there's a dramatic difference in age it can make it harder to connect. It does imply a difference in experience and maturity, but not necessarily. There are 20 year olds who have seen every continent, there are 90 year olds who have never left their town. There are adults who behave like children and there are children who behave like adults. There is some correlation but not by absolute law, only by tendencies and likelihoods. All things being equal, the relationship between the sophomore and the junior has a better chance at working out than the relationship between the freshman and the senior. That's just how it is. But that doesn't mean the freshman nor the senior should let anything cloud their vision or effect their decisions. Everyone needs to make the right decision for themselves. There are things that are literally and undeniably wrong, like a 30 year old loving a 12 year old, that can't be justified. But a 25 year old loving a 75 year old? Hey, if it's working for ya. I can't tell you what's right or wrong. (This is with total respect to EOI, I didn't mean this as a response or a criticism to you or your situation in anyway, just contributing 2 cents to the blathe. I do see you though and I'm glad you're sharing your thoughts and experiences on a well discussed subject which still causes a lot of anxiety and problems and probably always will) 250330 ... e_o_i warmthofrelease, don't worry, no offense taken! In fact, rather the opposite. Just to clarify: I didn't mean that age gaps are always a problem, but maybe my words came across that way because of the example I ended with. You've expressed a lot of what I meant to say much more clearly than I did, aaaaand added more insights to boot. I particularly like this line: "But that doesn't mean the freshman nor the senior should let anything cloud their vision or affect their decisions." It also happens to relate to my current situation: a sort-of crush on someone eight years younger than me. The relationship I mentioned in the last post is over (maybe my use of the present tense was confusing). Ages, ages. 28 and 36. Not inherently creepy or even that unusual, but the superficial, specific similarity of being eight years apart reminds me of why David and I broke up. But it's extremely silly of me to think "8 year age difference = instant failure." O self! What's if there's no chance of success to begin with, you hopeless hopeful sad_romantic? So why worry?? Why why why??? ... Silliness. It isn't all misery. There's a fair amount of goofiness to the worries I had about a so-far hypothetical pairing. For example... -"Gilbert's mom is Catholic. If Catholic = having a ton of kids, what's if he wants to do that...?" [Side note of my more rational mind: I think the guy is an only child.] "By the time we start any formal relationship, I could maybe manage 1 biological child. Not, like, 3!!" [3 children = 1 ton. These are heavy hypothetical children.] -Speaking of moms, there was this conversation with mine: any_nice_young_men? ... And then, conversely, the hopes of compatibility: -Hey, I look young for my age. On the Totally Scientific and Objective Manosphere Rating Scale for Chicks, I'd be a plain 5/10, but I look younger than I am. Yay genetics? -Or boo genetics. I know, I know, I should be more positive about being "neurospicy" because people have a funny word for it now, but ADHD is a pain in the ass. But! He has it too!! And gets anxious about deadlines like I do, just more reasonably!!! ... ...Off topic, but this also means Gilbert brings to my world an aspect of freshness unrelated to his relative youth. See, so far, the men with ADHD I've known aren't exactly stellar exemplars of the species - from my neglectful MENSA uncle to the guy who went from excessive weed-smoking to Finding Jesus to falling for conservative meme politics (I think I mentioned him in keeping_up_with_the_Petersons). So yes, given I've been shown a Good Male Role Model - always important for a young(ish) woman - I won't harbor unreasonable prejudice against The Federation of ADHD Dudes even if nothing remotely romantic happens between me and their sciencey ambassador. Yes, he's also into science. Chemistry specifically. So HE'LL always have chemistry, even if WE don't. ...I'll see myself out. 250401 what's it to you? who go blather from