my_day peyton We spent the night together, almost all of it. We tried something new. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. At five I fell asleep. I dreamt of demons, again. I dreamt of tragedy and death and despair, I felt myself sweating coldly in the night. My ceiling fan rattled a hot wind upon me. I realized that I'm just some guy in the world, and that I will never be beautiful or special or wonderful. I realized I am not a careless fantasy, or a reckless dream. I looked into the mind's eye mirror, and I cried. No one heard me. I spun my body against the matress, and tried to arrange my sheets in a comfortable pattern. I had little success against the relentless heat. I felt alone, and frustrated and longful and hot and sticky and a million little explosions of anxiety. I knew that there was nothing that I could paint that would make this lonely room look interesting. The air was thick, and I drank hot water from the bottle on my nightstand. I threw the empty bottle against the wall when I was finished. It landed softly against a pile of clean clothes that have yet to be put away. I hate living alone. I love living alone. I wished that I was interesting, and more than I am. I finally found my rest, before the demons came again. The sun chirped happily in my face at eight. I managed a fitful half slumber until ten, when Wendell the Mailman rang my doorbell with a birthday present. He asked me why I was getting so many boxes. I told him it was my birthday. And then a fifty year old balding mailman sang happy birthday to a post-adolescent male in his underwear on a Thursday morning in the suburbs. There were no casualties. I managed to smile weakly as he fiddled with his contraption, and then he gave me my package. I opened it, admiringly fondly the contents. I read the cards inside. For a small moment I felt loved.. I went back upstairs and tried to sleep again. I wrestled with the heat, but I was marginally victorious and slept until one, when the phone rang. I managed to have enough focus in my eyes to read the caller ID display. I recognized the name. There was a reluctance in her voice. I wasn't sure what it was. I thought maybe she didn't enjoy our time last night. I thought maybe we'd crossed a line, or something had been snapped that I wasn't aware of. She mentioned that she was a worrier.. she had no idea who she was talking to. I was convinced the sky was falling. We chatted for a while before the bus came. She promised she'd call me later, and told me she loved me. I told her I loved her too. I meant it. We'd talked for forty-nine minutes. I hung up the phone and felt so alone I felt my heart splinter. I got up and got a shower. I felt the water slide down my body and I felt a little better. I admired what little figure I have in the mirror as I finished. I threw on some boxers and leaned out my window and watched the droplets of rain wash down the humidity in the sky. I saw a stranger get in his car and leave. I heard her voice in the falling rain. I cried silently. I put on the rest of my starched uniform and hugged Sam tightly in my arms. He whimpered. I told him that he wasn't ready to ride with Alexandra yet because Alice would be jealous. He seemed to understand. I tossed my copy of Polgara the Sorceress into my backpack and left. I drove to Wendy's, as planned. I got a number three, and upsized it. I put the food into my bag as well, and hoped Pol would understand. I felt an inexplicable craving for a coconut Sobe. I stopped at the shopette and picked one up for 99 cents. I barely found a space at work. I pulled in when a black silverado was leaving. I grabbed my bag and one of the straps gave out, and it fell onto the wet pavement. I heard a crack and saw the coconut liquid ooze out of the corner of my bag. I realized I'd just botched an agility roll, and now I'd have no Sobe. I made a daring rescue for my fast food and my book, and dropped my sunglasses in the process. I hate my dexterity. And I've been here, in this chair ever since. I'm just a guy in the world I guess. But I hurt and need, just like everyone else, so I don't guess I'm all that different. Oh well. 020502 ... peyton Tis been a decent day.. I'd like to say thanks to God and Christ, who has my love, and has made this day so. :) 020514 ... blue star YOU'VE READ POLGARA THE SORCERESS???? JESSI, ARE YOU GETTING THIS??? OH MY GOD.... wow... sorry... I just spazzed there for a sec... 020514 ... peyton nothing to report today Jen gets her on Friday I'm liking Lord of the Rings I really want HMM IV :) 020515 ... peytons spell check change her to here 020515 ... RHIN RHIN RHIN RHIN RHIN RHIN 020515 ... silentbob woke up. fell out of bed. started packing and organizing and disorganizing and moving here to there, this to that, piles of different things. distractions in old poetry and in new. i'll post it later. mom and dad arrived. packed. vaccuumed. went to school. financial aid. went to eagle property management. dropped off keys. drove. four hours. didn't get sick. my parents made me buy them lunch. my parents made me buy them gasoline. i didn't argue because i can't honestly imagine arguing with my parents over something like that. plus i have a lot of cash. got home. tried to track down evan and tanya. failed. watched wet_hot_american_summer with mom. tanya called. i went out. found emily. found alan. found maladroit found bj found toby found jon found a skateboard found the concrete and a fleshwound now its 4 am and i should go to bed 020516 what's it to you? who go blather from