to_shut_him_up tender square he downed two beers in quick succession, then asked for some of mine. “maybe you should slow down and wait a bit.” he tapped the shoulder of the person seated in front of us at the concert and when they turned, he pointed to me and said, “did you know she was a cunt?” i handed him my sweating beer and left for the ladies room. *** “do what you want,” i conceded, sliding off my pants in my parents basement, so tired of the arguing. “that’s raping you,” he said. “because you’re not into it.” “it’s not rape if i’m consenting.” and i waited for it to be over. *** i flung my ring into the dark field and screamed “are you happy now?!?” so jealous of my male friends, always accusing me of not being committed to him because i wouldn’t stop wearing the jewelry my ex gave me. that we yelled inside my car at a nearby park so we wouldn’t fight outside of his house while his parents were home. that, sheepish, he went looking for the ring the next day but never found it. *** “do you want to 69?” he asked on our first date. it later became a running joke about the start of our relationship amongst friends. he snickered once and said, “well, you were the one that said yes, didn’t you?” *** in a recent email he wrote, “i’ve been thinking about #metoo and i hope that when we dated that i was never too pushy or aggressive. if i was, i’m sorry.” “don’t worry,” i offered. “you’re one of the good ones.” 210828 ... unhinged he is like that with me too, has mentioned the kiss he gave me the night we met several times, wondering if it was 'too much' all i can think of, the way he didn't even hesitate let alone beg when i refused the offer to go back to his hotel, the way my tongue pushed against his unyielding teeth in one of the most chaste kisses i've ever received. every time he brings it up my heart aches to tell him all the horrible things other men have done to my body... only the good ones ask, apologize in advance for things that don't even register on the violation scale. so i just tell him that i am glad that he kissed me that night. i mean it and it feels great to actually mean it for once. 210829 ... unhinged my lips said yes when my heart was saying no because the first time i said no but he thought i was too drunk to realize, remember. does that make him a criminal? i would have to say no. but it did make me feel like shit afterwards. that grey area where the body and the mind aren't in agreement; where there is no pleasure or enjoyment but my tongue is glued to the roof of my mouth. why bother saying anything? my body was saying all kinds of things he wasn't listening to. i was never good at saying what i wanted in general. i feel the only one to blame for that is me. so i don't say anything and hope he finishes soon. eyes closed, body still. he doesn't seem to care. and gradually i stop dating, fucking because i feel like the only person i can blame for my frozen tongue is me. i feel like being wounded on the inside is better than being scarred on the inside. which only seems to attract that kind of people who like to wound others insides. we had a one night stand centered around the cavs winning the nba championship...in 2016. he texted me at the beginning of this summer to say he would be back in seattle if i wanted to get drinks. i remembered him as aggressive enough that my lips said yes when my heart said no because i was too drunk to concoct a way to safely get out of it. something about the way the bartender at the last bar gave him the evil eye made me think he was cheating on someone with me. the way he kissed me on the sidewalk made me think he wouldn't take no for an answer. so i let him come home with me; he was too drunk for his dick to really work and i was secretly relieved. five years later, reeling from a pandemic and the death of my father, all i could think was: i am too old for this shit now. you only speak to me when you want a hole to stick your dick in. i am clearly not even human in your eyes. why do you still have my phone number? why do you think it's ok to contact me now for this reason? but i already know the answer to that: because my lips said yes so that the wounds would only show on the inside. i replied to his texts out of some twisted sense of politeness. a few weeks later he texted again and i wanted to text him back 'i don't have sex with men anymore' but as she pointed out, he seemed like the kind of guy that might take that as a challenge. so as much as i hated to do it to anyone, i just ignored him just the way a hole would. 210830 ... unhinged 'scarred on the OUTSIDE' weird typo 210830 what's it to you? who go blather from