lust_hurts raze he was renting a room from a severe-looking italian woman. he slept on an old cast iron bed. you got friendly with someone in that bed and whoever was around at the time couldn't help hearing. the italian woman was always giving him the stare of death. he got friendly a lot in those days. one time, with the woman who would become his wife, he let his body guide his mouth and said, "i love your cunt." she started to cry. he asked what was wrong. "i love you, cunt," she'd heard him say. it didn't matter that love came first. he told her what he really said, but she was done. not that they didn't get friendly again after that. i can't even form a picture in my head of who she was then. 161215 ... unhinged this body an object this heart irrelevant this mind intimidating this body the way i have learned to use it is the only thing that matters this heart screams for better for deeper as they run towards easy shallow this heart screams a silent dog whistle no one else hears this body cringes at the slightest touch reading list where maybe affection was meant the scars of lust past sexual greed that took all and gave nothing but damage destructive demolition this heart screams 161216 ... gja The best of yours ive read U-h 161219 ... gja Oh but you too raze. I read it all as a continuous blathe. I love it. 161219 ... unhinged (thanks.there are a couple small edits I would make, but it is one of my better writings here on red. ive been reading a lot of joy harjo lately. her and raze inspired me) 161219 ... raze really appreciate the kind words (though i can't take credit for much creativity on my end). i wish you both were around more often. it's been a little lonely 'round these parts lately. 161219 ... unhinged EDIT: this heart screams a dog whistle no one else hears this body cringes at the slightest touch reading hunger where maybe affection was meant the scars of sexual greed that took all and gave nothing this heart screams 180422 ... unhinged naked exposed primary harsh polar black and white he looked at me like a thing, a want, a desire, an actress to make his own porn fucking_without_kissing submission dominance (i have guessed many times the amount of porn correlates to this cold mechanical kind of fucking. this triggers trauma in me. i think it triggers trauma in most everyone that is treated like this but it is more obvious in someone like me that has been raped, assaulted; part of the repeat victim statistic. how could i let it happen to me more than once? i am stupid. i am an idiot. i am hypersensitive to any hint of predatory desire or porn reenactment. these things are too tangled for me to distinguish especially during the act of fucking. once the button is pushed that reminds me of past assaults, your face becomes one of them. this is the way sexual trauma works. it is a self grown spider web so sticky that even the slightest movement awakes the beast.) the sounds of porn break my heart; most often the women sound like they are in pain to me. i have made those same sounds and they were sounds of pain. they did not discourage my partner. then again, the word no didn't discourage him either. my trigger is a hairline that doesn't take much to trip to make your face one of them the faces that flash by my mind's eye when the fear is triggered when i know it doesn't matter what kinds of sounds i make what words i say that you will keep going until you are finished that what i wanted or liked never entered into it the naked lust written in lurid paint all over your cruel face (i have finally started reclaiming myself from you; all of you; the big ugly heaping pile i had spent years walling up, off, hiding from, adding to.) the orgasm is momentary the hurt is lasting the reclamation work is arduous the anger is incendiary why does it take so long to come forward? because it takes years to realize that you were actually wronged, that no you didn't deserve it, that you are not dirty for wanting sex or showing some skin when you leave your house, that there are degrees and that there is a big grey area in the middle that can feel worse depending on what you've been through or who you go through it with, that men controlled by their unbridled lust see nothing wrong with hurting you because their lust is just a function of their hormones and it is your job to deter, discourage, demure. it takes so long to come forward because you guilt yourself enough without adding the scorn of strangers to that toxic tea. let me tell my story my heart needs you to hear it 181016 ... unhinged naked animal hunger. like a dog that snaps when you get too close while it's feeding. no concern for anything or anyone else til the bowl is empty. animal. you fucking animal. you watched the tears streaming down my face and it didn't deter you. you heard me cry out in pain and it didn't stop you. you were going to eat til the bowl was empty. even if that bowl stayed empty, ashamed, afraid for years after you; what happened to that bowl after you were done with it was of little concern to you. would you blame a bowl for holding food? 181016 what's it to you? who go blather from