fugue kyla "Be in me as the eternal moods of the bleak wind, and not As transient things are-- gaiety of flowers. Have me in the strong loneliness of sunless cliffs And of gray waters. Let the gods speak softly of us In days hereafter, the shadowy flowers of Orcus Remember thee." 020330 ... kerry i'm not driven by love or a desire to do good i'm not posterchild of academia outlining textbooks like i should i have no knowledge of anything true i take pictures because i have nothing else to do i pushed away eggs and meat can't dance 'cos i have two left feet i put a thousand limits on myself i can't have conversations with anyone else afraid of drowning afraid of sharks i used to have a nightlight, now i like it dark scared to turn out crater-faced can't move because someone will try to take my place my words are stale they compliment my quiet sneer in 2 years i'll be on my way out of here 030120 ... kerry exposure_boy is making a teepee with david and adam. he made a digeridoo also but that was more of david's idea. he said all this weird stuff when he was telling me about the teepee today, like how he's going to sacrifice his dogs and have induction ceremonies. i dont know. "yeah so are you going to have a firepit and stuff?" "well of course and we'll just sit around and chief, it will be great. we'll chief reefers, we'll be reefer chiefers..." that was when the art teacher kicked rebecca and i out of her ceramics class. "you two are distracting my students! i'm going to have to ask you to leave." rebecca goes, "oh i'm so sorry, yes, we weren't talking, it was all them talking... ok we're going now..." we burst into the hallway, exploding with laughter go to the french class, hold my janis japlin collage and my elvis collage up to the window in the door james is giving us a thumbs up because i used his chin for the elvis one. "i hear you used my chin," he said last week when we were walking together after school. i laugh. "well yeah, i mean you were the only one with facial hair, so i had to take advantage, you know?" later we hang out with him and everyone in french. i do love talking to him. my memory of him is warped when i don't see him for a while, and then when i do see him, it's suddenly so clear why i am sad when he's not around. 030122 ... kerry the last night. afterwards i was bored because johanna wanted to go to starbucks and i wanted to smoke or do something else, anything else, and audrey wanted to go to james' with me, and other... irritating people wanted to go too.... so after walking around the village for a while we finally drive over there, me and audrey and emily, it was so boring so boring david had his snooty girlfriend there, and all her snooty private school friends, and james is watching henry roll a joint and exposure_boy is sucking up the smoke but claiming he's going the whole weekend without drugs, and laughing, and devin is lighting things on fire. we're so goddamn bored. i don't want to ask for a hit because weed is expensive and i would feel more comfortable if it was offered to me, but they didn't really offer it to anyone. just cigarettes, and i don't smoke cigarettes. audrey is cold and wanting to leave, so we go, and justin is leaving too. he's going to nick's house, nick is a senior and is also having an after-party, and it's on my street. so justin says to call him, and we can go to his house later, but it is getting late so audrey drops me off and we drive by nick's house looking for justin's car so i can put a sticky note on the window or something but he must have already left. the day started out wonderfully and ended up kind of sad and slow. james depresses me. i want to go to bed. 030201 ... crOwl take flight 080101 what's it to you? who go blather from