i_am_taffy_stuck_and_untied anna_began And so when we talked, or wrote, I wasn't really surprised to hear you are there, single, and apparently, missing me. The surprise came, in the moments following, when I realized I want to write, read, run. It isn't as if I didn't give myself enough warning. I have actually stated out loud over the last few weeks "You better get yourself together, or he will smash back into your world and all you'll be able to do is say 'well, that was necessary'" I'm not able to determine if you have been waiting at the gate, for us to feel like we're falling apart, or if this is TIMING. There's a girl in Texas, engaged and pregnant, and there are so many people I would have guessed it would be besides her. You don't fill me really. You just stick a little in and mix and punch and it's like a beater in the batter. It takes up space in the mix, but all it does is swirl it around until it doesn't recognize itself anymore. But here I am, more recognizable then I've been in awhile. I saw myself slipping away and it didn't take five years this time, but the last thing I didn't need was you. Maybe I'm only happy when I'm self-destructing. You do not believe in my God. You do not vote like I do. You do not love like I do. You do however love WHAT I do and that makes it sting just a little bit more. If what I need to love him more is you on the periphery, than how does that work? It's good to be back. It's good to move in small ways, and begin to put the menu together again. If I can just be silent, and let this be whatever it is, and keep my tongue in my mouth, it may all be ok. So many things are so far away, and after last night, you are just a little bit closer. 050128 ... AnnaBegan Even though she was typing to me, which is another of the odd developments since I've moved west, I could actually tell her ears perked up when I mentioned your name. She asked in her quasi-innocent way, and passed it off as mere curiosity, but I know what she has been thinking since day one. Well, actually, that's not true. Back on day one, in the kitchen, when it was only you, she was thinking, "20,000 of our dollars was a lot to spend on a mistake. But, if he has money, and she's losing weight because of him, well, then, $20,000 is a small price to pay." So, somewhere around day, early-August, right after I got back from Milwaukee, that's when she started thinking this. She was thinking "If she falls in love with the other one, she'll move. But if she falls in love with THIS one, well, he's only 20 minutes away." It is sort of refreshing to see that she is still holding out hope. Sort of the same way it is with you. It's interesting though, in both cases, the hope is purely selfish. Honestly though, I can't blame either of you for loving me. I felt ugly all day today. When I realized I'd paid too much of my bills, leaving me nothing for a weekend in a town that I'd really never thought of before, it made me sad. And then another brush off over an airport pick-up, well that just pissed me off. And it's still bitter cold, even with the bright sun and the melting snow. There are things that get under my skin that shouldn't. I've got you, there in the background. Back home, which it will always be, even once they move here. And yet, the idea of making a drive on Sunday, a drive he's made before, exactly, with her... The thought of walking around streets and stores that they've passed through. I know I've done it before, but it's just always different when sex is involved. I may never get over this. I've got one in Texas and one in Maryland, and the one in Maryland has one somewhere, and none of that bothers me. I don't ever expect it bother him. And yet, like a tiny rat, it chews away at my soul little by little. Ah, it's nearly spring. 050211 ... anna_began You've paraded into my thoughts often this week. On Tuesday night, I dreamt of you. It was a dream born of worldy frustration, and this time is was just your face connected to the activities. Even I know that isn't true. You seeped into me and in the dream even I could feel the hot liquidy poison you pour into me, and my brain. By Wednesday, you were not responding to my emails again and I realized how silly it all sounds. If I were anyone else, I would hate me. The problem is, no one else knows me like I do. I know what I'm doing and you're the closest to seeing it, but you don't. Once, you told me how you worry about me. It just meant, "You are screwed up." I thought you sounded condescending at the time but now I know it's probably true. The sad thing is, this is all done out of mostly boredom and just a little bit of insecurity. Spring is here, and with it, eventually in this perpetual winter city I now live in, warmer temperatures will reign. My collarbone will open up and things here will turn green. I still can't help missing you and thinking of home and Iowa and two years ago. It feels like just a second ago that we were beginning and ending and kissing. When all of my choices have supposedly been made, I start to feel restless and homesick. 050325 what's it to you? who go blather from