how_is_the_water warmthofrelease I come from the south of North America. But that's not where I am. We're approaching the solstice. I'm not accustomed to the water still being so cold. But in a Spring that's been so turbulent the river doesn't produce its own conditions but inherits them. Just like us. I choose to believe we are all exactly where we need to be. Last time I was here was my first time. The water was cold at first. Cold to get used to. And moving quickly. The riverbed had accumulated such a thick layer of silt. It was such that I could and was forced to dig into it. My toes, my feet, my quads, my ass, my hands. I had to create a little bunker for myself in the sand and sink into it to not be washed away. I was trying to not fall in love with her. Of course it might not be so bad to get washed away. It would be so hard for me to give up my security, my sense of place. I never was any good at surrender. If it's something I would quit then it's probably something I wouldn't try to begin with. This includes most things for better and for worse. But it could be great to be carried away. I just don't know how those rapids are. I can only see the whitecapping and the grade of the dropoff. I don't know how that island is. How soft and sunny the sand or how dense the bushes. I don't know what's around the bend or how the waters are that would take me there. And I don't know if there's a safe place to get out and walk back upriver. But I can start to feel this constant resistance, this digging in and pressing myself against the natural pull of the water, against the rush. It takes a toll of its own. There are things you can't choose. Attraction. Which is a two way street. The flow of traffic in one direction has no bearing on the flow in the other direction. It's unlikely to want and to be wanted at an equal speed or pace. And one can only speak for themselves, where they are and how they're going in a given moment. One can never truly know exactly how someone else feels. Words like these are our best chance. There's also circumstance. What a person might be going through, what baggage and responsibilities they carry in every step, where they want to go, what they're capable and not capable of. The way the river is taking them. This is what fills me with the most fear. That fear which shrouds over love and buries it. That which keeps me dug in. And then there's chemistry. How people fit together. And in this case, it is undeniable. There are things you can't hide. I tell myself she is perfect. Buttercream skin with freckles, the soft green eyes, the voice, the family, the history, the attitude, the understanding. It's like I know what to do with her immediately. What would seem so difficult for me to do with and for any other human seems so easy to do with and for her. I want to wrap my arms around her. I want to lift her up and carry her through. I want to hold her face. But how long could I keep it up? How long could my head stay above the waterline? But what does it matter? I see the ocean of anxiety behind her eyes as clearly as I can see how easily she gets in above her head. She won't say no, she can't handle it. She won't ever say no, she doesn't want to try, doesn't want to know. She dove in head first a long time ago. I tell myself she needs me. Maybe not forever. Maybe what they say is right and nothing is forever. Maybe there is only just for now. Maybe that's more than enough. I don't know what's real. I can only know what I feel. I know that I stepped into the river. When I went today the water seemed even colder. It was even higher, the current even faster, the silt even deeper. It was hotter outside too. I went alone. I wanted to take a spiritual bath. But I could never just sit and float in the water. I had to fight to stay in place the entire time. In the wake of the rain, the wind, last night's moon, it was raging. Raging the way Bono says it. running_to_stand_still. I think the spiritual part of me knew that I went to the river for affirmation. And I got it. The water told me what some part of me already knew but what I needed to hear and see and feel for my still resistant self. It's as if I've found too much peace. I think it's time to let myself be carried away. I looked at that island, seriously considering it. But I was alone. And I still don't know what's around the bend or where I might safely get off. And if I were to find out then I wouldn't do it alone. Not now, not while I still have such little strength in the waters of life. The water makes us, sustains us. It can take us. It does giveth. It does taketh_away. I do need someone to hold my hand. And I want to be that for them as well. I'll be going back to the river in a few days and I hope she'll be there. How is the water? The water's just fine. 250612 what's it to you? who go blather from