brink_of_tears tilt oh god. we can't find a place to stay. I'm supposed to be there in less than a month. she doesn't have a job yet. estate agents want her to be earning 17k. she's probably going to be on 13. even though we have enough to give them 6 months rent now if they need it. why can't they just accept that? student houses don't want us as she's not a student, estate agents don't want us as I am a student. they want me to be guaranteed by someone earning 25k! ha! it would be funny if it wasn't so desperate. fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. fuck's sake. rrrrrr. stress. and I'm stuck here at work. she's phoning me up in tears what can I do? what am I supposed to do? i don't even know if it's the right thing for me to be doing anyway! but I want to at least give it a go! god damn. argh. slumps. ha. and the cave crumbles around me. yes blather, yes it does. 080910 ... unhinged let your breath fill you up. your entire torso all the way down to your belly button. in and all the way down and the belly goes out. and then as the breath goes out, the belly button sinks in to the spine. big deep breaths. they calm. so simple it seems silly, but just breathe like that for a good five minutes. as trite and unwanted as this phrase probably is to you, it will work out. i moved recently and it's hard. to find a place, to convince them you can afford it, that they'll get their money. stupid money. money=stress=sickness. just_breathe friend. so often lately the tears well and i just let them fall up and out 080910 ... we are the red friends... 080910 ... tilt actually i was thinking of you yesterday unhinged. one of the landlords we nearly rented with is a buddhist monk. we viewed 3 rooms yesterday, two were good. we went with the first one we saw in the end. cheap and run-down but it's a three-month contract so if we hate it it's not like we're tied in for a year. we have a room now in a shared house. and she has calmed down a bit. she paniced me when she called me. thanks for the support. you're right, things do always work out :) 080912 ... unhinged i should go to meditation group again 080912 ... past walking down bay alone. i did it in april, but this time it felt like the city was crushing me. a twisted-legged old woman dressed in rags was hobbling down the other side of the street screaming in harsh atonal rhythms. that seemed to summarize how i was feeling. dark, alone, and knowing that this isn't where you belong. there's so much hate and greed in those towers. how do they exist? how do they not crumble under the weight of their own collective soullessness? finding college, and then st. george, and then the dominoes (i actually noticed them this time) finally made that feeling of cold dread lift. 080912 ... tilt your words are compelling, past. they intrigue. i want to know more.. 080914 ... unhinged i used to have panic attacks reguarly, worrying about things beyond my control refusing to trust the way the universe works. i was tired and sad all the time. i got sick a lot too. i ate a lot, and a lot of bad food. fat is biologically comforting. when your nervous system is flooded with adrenaline all the time, your body needs fat to repair it. then i learned how to breathe. then i learned how to surrender to the well ordered fact that what goes around comes around. that for every situation there are two ways to look at it, so i might as well pick the positive one than the negative one. that's definitely a work in progress though. but the sun peeks through the clouds that follow me around much more frequently now. i think being around small children regularly helps too. 080914 ... tilt i_need to get_away from the_computer more. I will try to meditate more often. and yoda, the wise little thing that he is, tells me in my ear "do or do not, there is no try" 080915 ... unhinged often i find tingling in my nose 090427 what's it to you? who go blather from