lesbiandom lux this is a secret. she can't know about my desires. yes, my last encounter with a man pushed me into 99% lesbiandom (i wasn't much farther away before that) but this was before even that. i wish i could cut her into pieces, and keep those i want, while trading out the rest for some hollywood starlet, some dykey L-Word queen. someone with perhaps a nicer face. yes, i am that selfish. it's all negotiations anyway, right? i will talk to you, if... i will call you, if... i will date you, if... i will fuck you, if... this is no worse than that. THIS is me passing through grief on a train, yearning for Sapphic attention black & white, all or nothing. * * * her hands wrap around my foot. my toes are glacial, even under the quilt, even with her body heat - (she's always hot, i'm always cold) - we haven't known each other for long, but here we are. it's dark, boundaries exist to be explored, to be broken... maybe... she works slowly, her muscles manipulating my arch, her thumbs kneading from heel to mounds, my sole aching from the touch. perhaps it's the taboo of the attraction - living together, getting high together - sitting on the same couch while my body feels like a waterfall with no pool at it's base. everything is strange and exciting, and new, though we have seen it before, we have been here before with other women, in other circumstances, in other lives. * * * perhaps it's my perversions, imagining those strong hands running up my calves, still kneading, and those muscles inside mine working them, up and down, around, in, out... (the intuition of a lover) her mouth on my lips, some hair, some wetness, maybe this is what i have been looking for. 111128 ... lux on the night of the eclipse i saw him. it had been months. our last conversation was not so nice. nonetheless, he was my best friend at some point. i wasn't going to throw it all away just because he had. we ended up in the backseat again, in the parking lot outside the bar. i had moved his hand to my inner thigh, hoping to be hidden by the bar stool... sometime shortly after that, he drove to my place, where we tumbled by candlelight. we walked right past her into my bedroom. + + + a few days ago, she met me at work and walked me home. we ended up at this local pub. i can never remember the difference between a snakebite and a black & tan. i drank black & tan. i never drink guinness. something about my body being so used to shitty beer ($2 olympias, usually). the dark beer had a strong effect on me. maybe it's because i had 4. i don't know. on the way home, she carried me; i was still sore from the tumbling, and my legs were not working. she tried to set me down and we ended up falling. "i'm heavier than i look," i laughed. a block away from home, i slurred, "i have to tell you something." and so on, and so on... i adore you, you're amazing. i'm a mess. the tears. just thinking of it now makes me feel like such a fool. she was reassuring, but i blacked out at her response. i couldn't remember if it was good or bad. just that she was happy i'd told her. + + + last night, my friend's big event. catered to the max, $100 raffle tickets, auction, the whole thing. i invited her out, half to pick me up, half to see her again. maybe my confession was just a drunken slip. maybe this inebriation will be different. it wasn't. we flirted to the point where she leaned in, kissed me. we kissed in that restaurant, not caring if we were seen, we kissed in the car before driving home, we kissed on the couch, me straddling her, ripping my jeans at the inner thighs. the other housemate came in at some point, we held hands under a blanket and watched stupid videos, hiding it all. i don't remember passing out, but i did. alone. 111215 ... leif A kingdom I'm a but a fool within... 150312 what's it to you? who go blather from