bulimia endless desire. . and her life story i cant believe no one has posted anything on my favourite disease. i guess i have nothing to say on it now since i dont really want it to be part of my life and a bunch of mess beginning at something small and escalating to something much larger than i could handle but dont worry, i told myself id be fine that i could handle it all. that i was weak if i couldnt keep from eating i had to at least get rid of it all. the whole mess sprung from this unyielding self hatred of myself that i have yet to understand. it would reveal so much about myself to see how all this developed. but all i know is the cloud of hate that i have yet to escape suffocating me with its poisonous gases and there seems to be know way out a bit of cutting occurred not too much, just a bit. when i couldnt throw up, it made things feel better and i felt the world again but i knew shouldnt then, and i know i shouldnt now guilt is not an emotion worth feeling and my heart begs me to stop this madness and i will listen and take life one day at a time. normalcy is to be mimicked before understood eating is fine. food is fine. that life style was unncessary. and to say the least im trying my best one moment at a time. my whole short insignificant life i have been searching for something that will bring me peace and though religion has pretended to do its part it does little for me now, though i grasp onto it, since it is all i know and such a foundation for my life. and i continue to consume my life with things that do not set me free. my favourite soco lyric being, "these words consume her but they never set her free." this life consumes me, but it does nothing. so i will search for peace that i believe will only be found i love (harbors -in blue. my profound revelation of the month) and this is basically the story of my life just throw in a secret love mysterious and played out like a romance movie. not the cheezy ones but the ones that make you cry and wish your life was like that thats what i have. for once something is going right i have fallen for someone who makes me happy and satisfies me beyond belief. yet i am young. my youth hinders so much. and my parents restrict my love its as if they wish to destroy the thing i desire most in this life. its such a cliche story. a family tearing two apart based on religion in my case. because christianity divides the world in two and age divides it once again and my parents have played upon both divisions and used them as knives in trying to slice the pieces of my life so i continue to sneak, though, i do believe my fortune cookie directed my path, "A secret romance is fast approaching Go for it, despite your hesitance." alright then, cookie knows all. the point is, i have been shut within my walls a prisoner of my own house my own room my own life so i end with yet another great quote, "some birds were never meant to be caged; their feathers are just too bright." i do believe that holds true for my own life. 030531 ... endless desire jeezus, i am doomed to forever look back on yesterday and realize what an idiot i was and still am, but never realize it in the moment. i thought love can save everything; i thought it could complete me. no. im much more satisfied living in clouded life where i never make the cut. so i sit and i try to at least please myself. there goes the lining of my esophagus. eh, i never liked it anyways. 031130 ... vicious I can't shit. This is the one thing I have found most annoying about bulimia. And my throat hurts, that too. Those two things. They suck. I find taking a stool softener helps with the shitting, and drinking lots of water kinda helps my throat. But, those still kinda suck. Better than being fat. And I can't stay drunk. When I get too full (whether with food or drink) I have to puke. I usually feel full after about three drinks. Then I puke. Then I'm sober again. So I have to drink more. I'm going through a lot of money! I'm getting sick of food faster, too. It used to be that I would go for about a week craving the same things; tacos, coleslaw, chips and salsa, spaghettios, whatever. Now I eat about a weeks worth in one sitting, and I don't want them again. It's making shopping rather difficult. whatever. 050527 ... asshole hahahahahahahahahaha 050528 what's it to you? who go blather from