the_costume_no_longer_fits crOwl it's you, not me. i have looked long and hard at myself. it's over. now i want to look at you. my life is no longer under suspicion. it will be interesting. shedding my skin like a cicada.. look, there i was. now the wind can blow me. i tumble over and over and crash haplessly into a tree. pick me up. i'm like a costume of myself. even if i tried to put myself on, it would not fit. too big? small? it just doesn't look like me anymore. everyone will say, i can't believe it's him. what is he doing and why? so i enter the world today brand new. all shiny. it feels good. it's like when i breathe i don't have to ask for the air. it's free again. it does not cost my soul. 041112 ... skyburst that was beautiful crOwl 041112 ... nevermind me or is beautiful maybe? was beautiful? is beautiful? anyway, 041112 ... crOwl thanks, mon ami. 041113 ... c r 0 w l so, i buy a new one with stolen money. now i look like myself again. 080114 ... Ouroboros and I cannot squeeze myself into the mask I must put on even to talk to you on the phone. The pain of putting the costume back on to connect with you, on top of your disinterest and rejection of me, leaves my heart aching like gray October once again. So I tell myself I won't call you again, won't look for you in the places you frequent, and I delete your number from my phone and cry. I am done playing dress-up. The play is over. The actors have dropped their accents and lines and makeup from their creased faces, and in worn shoes and hand-me-down jackets they walk home alone, humming refrains of plays past. 090329 ... unhinged i'm really close to deleting his number from my phone. i can't remember the last time he responded to my attempts in any other way besides pushing me away. or ignoring me. which i can't stand. 090329 ... Ouroboros I mean, I do have his number memorized, but not having it in my phones means that I am less likely to call him and just hurt myself over and over again. Symbolic and functional. 090330 ... birdmad i am a series of costumes beneath costumes and masks beneath masks. I do not know how many layers i would need to peel away to find me or if i am truly still here or maybe i am all of them and all of them are me it makes me ponder, gives me pause to wonder, but it no longer troubles me like it used to. 090330 ... gja Read Peeling by Peter Carey 090401 ... raze i stripped away every mask i had. i tried to love and feel love in return. the second part of that equation doesn't work out so well. it's a stupid game that i can't win, because i'm not privy to the rules, and the other parties keep changing them at will to throw me off balance. so i give up. i'm through giving all that i have when no one wants any of what i have to offer anyway. i suppose it's about time i got back into making ugly, angry music anyway. bring on the slap echo. 090401 ... Ouroboros i_made_a_mask and_i_lost_it what_was_i_thinking? now i'm trying_to_find nothing_less_than_what_it_means_to_be_human and_how_wings of external approval never_were_there you_expected_monsters on only_the_darkest_nights but a life_of_soul with rich_inner_lives is an_obligation_to_your_own_sanity so go look in your mirror treading_the_abyss keep asking_for_the_truth no matter how dark the black_sea seems to_be_able_to_feel all the feeling_inside_of_me is the something_that_changed_the_way_i_live_my_life i_found_my_heart 090401 ... . . 130201 what's it to you? who go blather from