little_known_facts_about_switzerland epitome of incomprehensibility (and now for something slightly different) ... Fact 1: Switzerland Is a Time Desert Switzerland is a nation of contrasts: mountains and valleys; geometry-based food and non-geometry-based food; immense material wealth and extreme time poverty. While most countries are bound by the international time laws established in 1955 and by the radioactive time pulses emitted each nanosecond by the Greenwich Atomic Clock, Switzerland’s relative elevation renders its air thin and faintly purple, with the result that most of the Greenwich-generated time particles simply fall to the ground. The average Swiss citizen only inhales 4,300 milligrams of time particles in a lifetime, compared to 145,000 for the average American. This time poverty has its benefits and drawbacks. Switzerland’s life expectancy is one of the highest in Europe, but at a price: Swiss nationals who travel outside the bounds of their mountain fortress soon experience unexpected aches and pains, unwanted wrinkles, and a reduced bladder capacity. This rapid aging effect can be greatly reduced by the judicious application of ginger. If you are in, say, Rome, and you witness a French- or German-speaking tourist wearing strings of amber beads, chances are that this “amber” is actually candied ginger. Do NOT, under any circumstance, attempt to steal it. Most Swiss citizens receive 2-4 years of martial arts training in the nation’s famed monasteries, which belong to the storied faith tradition described below. Fact 2: The National Religion of Switzerland Is Catholic Buddhism Before Martin Luther, there was Karl Kaltwasser. An architect by trade, Kaltwasser rose to prominence after his restoration of the Schloss Neuhabsburg in 1245. The castle had been damaged in a bitter sky battle between the fanged falcons of Francis II and the winged papal bulls of Pope Innocent IV. During the renovation work, Kaltwasser became increasingly disillusioned with the numerous suggestions the pope lobbied his way, including calls for a fully functional waterslide “of fuch a Width that a Total of Four Perfons can fafely flide fide by fide” (to give the 1711 English translation of one such papal missive). Eventually, his frustration led him to abandon the project, and likewise the tenets of conventional Christianity. Fleeing the pope’s wrath, he found a secret path to India known as the 75% Rayon, 25% Polyester Road (like the Silk Road, but cheaper). There he studied the sacred Hindu texts, and, due to a faulty interpreter, ended up converting to Buddhism. Catholic Buddhism. For we must remember that Kaltwasser still revered the pomp and ritual of his childhood church. When he became Duke Protector of Switzerland, sixteen years later, his own faith became the law of the land. Vast monasteries, glittering but austere, were built to house the ranks of meditation masters devoted to arcane branches of the Catholic Buddhist arts: the Traveling Salesman Problem, the Cinnamon Challenge, and, most notably, the Glass Bead Game. Fact 3: Switzerland Ranks #1 in the Glass Bead Game Centuries before the temporal disparity unwittingly created by the Greenwich Time Lords, Switzerland took advantage of a landscape naturally abundant in fine white sand from prehistoric lakes—and, according to rumour, discarded unicorn teeth. By the thirteenth century, it had surpassed Italy in the creation of tiny glass beads. In 1271, Helmut de Velo, the fifth son of Duke Kaltwasser, was carrying a tray of such beads when he ran headlong into Otto van Karr, a Catholic Buddhist monk in the employ of his father. The beads scattered in all directions, including straight up (in those days, Switzerland was still a low-gravity enclave). Helmut, easily embarrassed, was loath to admit to clumsiness, so he made up the Glasperlenspiel, or Glass Bead Game, on the spot: the first person to describe or invent a plausible pattern among the spilled beads would be the winner. Indeed, he assured van Karr, the aleatoric element was a vital part of the game’s spiritual nature. Wisely, van Karr said nothing, and, over the succeeding months, proceeded to beat de Velo 6742-1. Watching the monk and the nobleman throw trays full of beads at each other became a favourite pastime of court guests. In a few short years, the Glass Bead Game became an international fad. As detailed by Hermann Hesse in his novel of the same name, men from all over the world competed for the title of Magister Ludi, or Game Master; however, until the second half of the twentieth century, 98% of all champions were Swiss. Interestingly, when women were finally allowed to compete in 1965, North Americans started advancing in the ranks. Over the past few years, the title of Game Master has bounced back and forth between Marie d’Incomprehensibilité IV of the Dorval Artisans Guild and Clara Watson-Gould of the New York Elevator Inspectors Guild. Fact 4: Switzerland Won the Chocolate War A common misconception among historians and other high school students is that Switzerland remained neutral in the Cold War, as it had done in the two world wars and the Great Depression. However, it was only “neutral” insofar as it was secretly fighting every other country in the world from 1949-1999. The Chocolate War, touchingly described by Robert Cormier in his novel of the same name, began with the assassination of Willy Wonka in his remodeled gingerbread home in Monaco. No one has yet been able to determine whether Swiss-aligned Wonka died of natural causes or was assassinated by a Belgian secret agent, but the Swiss chocolate masters took no chances. Swiftly, they created the Helvetian Chocolate Defense League. Crucial to their campaign against the Soviet Union and the U.S.A. was the rumour that candied ginger was the key to Swiss longevity. In fact, as detailed above, ginger only forestalls the rapid aging that affects Swiss nationals journeying abroad. It has no special rejuvenating effect on non-Swiss residents. However, falsehood travels faster than fact, and soon sales of Switzerland’s chocolate-covered candied ginger were outpacing the combined chocolate output of the two nuclear powerhouses. Even Belgium and Denmark, the famed breeding ground of Easter Bunnies, were forced to admit defeat. Naturally, any information about Swiss chocolate remained highly classified until the fall of the Montreal Sanskrit Wall in 1999. Only then did the U.S. government admit that it was not, in fact, Toblerone that crushed the might of American chocolate power. “Did y’all really think it was Toblerone?” yawned the Secretary of Defense at a press conference. “To me, Toblerone tastes exactly like triangles. Just triangles. Nothing else.” Offended, the Swiss delegate threw a tray of glass beads at him. 210925 ... e_o_i I need to fix Fact #4 because of a small inconsistency. Everything else, of course, makes sense. Redo: ... Fact 4: Switzerland Won the Chocolate War A common misconception among historians and other high school students is that Switzerland remained neutral in the Cold War, as it had done in the two world wars and the Great Depression. However, it was only “neutral” insofar as it was secretly fighting every other country in the world from 1949-1999. The Chocolate War, touchingly described by Robert Cormier in his novel of the same name, began with the untimely death of Willy Wonka in his remodeled gingerbread home in Monaco. No one has yet been able to determine whether Swiss-aligned Wonka died of natural causes or was assassinated by a Belgian secret agent, but the Swiss chocolate masters took no chances. Swiftly, they created the Helvetian Chocolate Defense League. Crucial to their campaign against the Soviet Union and the U.S.A. was the rumour that candied ginger was the key to Swiss longevity. In fact, as detailed above, ginger only forestalls the rapid aging that affects Swiss nationals journeying abroad. It has no special rejuvenating effect on non-Swiss residents. However, falsehood travels faster than fact, and soon sales of Switzerland’s chocolate-covered candied ginger were outpacing the combined chocolate output of the two nuclear powerhouses. Even Belgium and Denmark, the famed breeding ground of Easter Bunnies, were forced to admit defeat. Naturally, any information about Swiss chocolate remained highly classified until the fall of the Montreal Sanskrit Wall in 1999. Only then did the U.S. government admit that it was not, in fact, Toblerone that had crushed the might of American chocolate power. “Did y’all really think it was Toblerone?” yawned the Secretary of Defense at a press conference. “To me, Toblerone tastes exactly like triangles. Just triangles. Nothing else.” Offended, the Swiss delegate threw a tray of glass beads at him. 210925 ... raze (i don't know how you come up with things like this, but i'm really glad you do. you're brilliant. and would you believe "the chocolate war" and "i am the cheese" sit side by side on the bedroom closet shelf i've repurposed as a book repository, waiting to be read?) 210925 ... e_o_i Hey, thanks! :) I haven't read The Chocolate War either (I'll just assume it's about Switzerland's battle for world chocolate supremacy until proven otherwise). 210925 what's it to you? who go blather from