what_depression_does_to_the_brain jane stranger; i spent the morning tying knots. a pile of pieces, of red yarn, snipped off the top of a new hat, a gift, brighter than blather_red, but darker than blood. it was a gift from a stranger. it keeps my head warm, as i walk to work in california december. i can see my breath and the tips of my fingers turn white, but my head hides under knots, tied carefully by some stranger. we met through screens and names, and she sent me this hat and four records, random selections from some bargain bin, undoubtedly, but the effort was undeniable. undeniably red-handed, strings of yarn, she probably learned from her grandmother. her name was sonya. it's the only information aside from stranger. and today, i knot each piece, mostly five inches or so, with square nots, twining the ends together to make something greater, no longer a pile, now a utility. 131227 ... unhinged everything was light, happy then he snuffed_out the light now it is dark, heavy like there is blockage that doesn't let the good parts through 131227 ... unhinged i have these dark urges that crawl out from under their weird little hiding places thoughts are just thoughts i try to unravel the cocoon i try to get out of bed i try to smile i try to pretend to give a shit but all the effort eventually becomes so exhausting that i can only sleep. hibernate. shutdown. wait til the night, the winter is over. wait, sit tight til the light comes back. i feel stuck in a well that no one knows im at the bottom of. 140728 ... flowerock It's a tough climb out of the well, slippery wet and hard to grip, cold and painful and all on your own. The climb makes you stronger and the light at the top is worth it. maybe it will rain an fill up, like a cartoon, you could then just swim to the top depression, sadness... dampen the spirit, cloud the soul, weigh down the heart. I get paranoid and insecure. breathe, move, hydrate, green tea has helped me too. and hugs. free blather_hugs to anyone ho wants them! *hugs* 140728 ... unhinged ive been climbing alone pretty much my whole life. i dont feel stronger (even the government wont give me a break for being miserably single). if anything, i scare people away with my 'strength'. i find a small light every now and then that is blown out so quickly i barely have any memory of it. i am tired of having nothing to come home to. i am tired of people telling me i will find someone wheni least expect. i am tired of working and getting nowhere. exhausted la_vie_en_gris 140728 ... unhinged still exhausted crying in public again 150630 ... flowerock I wish I had a magic remedy for you and everyone who feels this way. I like the person you are here on blather, unhinged. I feel that you have a beautiful depth, realistic perspective, and a good heart. Having felt this way before, I have no solution besides time, and that's not very comforting. 150701 ... unhinged time doesnt make this go away. time just hides it for awhile 150702 what's it to you? who go blather from