oldest_sister nom phones haven't seen her since new year's last says she's in the town next over from my own home just came down from the pass up from the city across the mountains from the sea there was snow fire and a doe who was hit from another car that left it there but they got out and helped it off the road it walked away how amazing now they're crashed on the couch the two of them my oldest sister and her love he's so funny she always loves to surprise it's a tradition of a kind i've come to expect and thanksgiving sunday they can't stay longer than a day or so maybe if i can i'll go visit granpa bake him a pie talk about irish immigrants and tractors . 031012 ... nom i forgot about the visit in early spring a testimony to how lost i am a blur both mentioned agreeing "you look better" i said but the past month or two i haven't felt "and your breathing is more normal" is it? how did it seem before? i only see what i can't 031013 ... from now on i phoned her under the reddening moon i forgot to tell her, i forgot to look i was supposed to help her, her friend her friend, she wanted my help but i forgot. i forgot to look 041029 ... monee i'm thinking about her. 041217 ... monee i'm worried. she's been sick. she will get better. she's the healthiest person i know. 041217 ... n o m time has passed and things have changed and i kind of hate her now even though i shouldn't hate and i don't completely, but i do 120723 ... no reason i can't remember which one is your oldest sister... but i'm curious about what's going on 120724 ... n o m p even though she tries to pretend she is younger than me 120724 ... n o m my sister c is 4 years older and p is 5 120724 ... n o m hate is a strong word. i don't really hate her, or anyone, but have been feeling upset towards her for various reasons over the years. i am glad she recovered so well from her divorce from the comedian, and seems much happier now with her new life. 120728 ... n o m i really get bothered, i just have to ignore her. i have kept her hidden on my fb for a good part of the year. i wish we didn't have friends in common. when i moved to vancouver she said we weren't going to be going to the same socials. she wasn't into playing music. it makes me want to change cities even though i haven't been exactly living there lately. if anyone asks me ever again if i am going to collaborate with her musically i will ignore them. 121014 ... n o m i guess i am still upset from last december, her boyfriend raising his voice at me, when i was trying to talk with her, not him...she just let him be like that to me, and she couldn't listen. she never takes time to ask how i am, just shoots a "hope your well!". and i correct her that it's you're not your. when we were kids she would skip through her chores and i would have to do them so what was the point. i was trying to talk about a sexual assault and a friend's suicide and she couldn't even sit down and talk with me, had to go into another room and drill a hole in a wall. we're always on different wavelengths and she is always in her own world. i don't even bother to try to get together now when i'm in town. i stay at a friends house all the time and sleep in the same bed as her, even though my sister has a spare room. not even my mother feels comfortable staying with her anymore, and she only offered once since last december. i cleaned her cat's litter boxes too many times. i guess i wish her well with everything. she once wrote on her myspace blog, which she knew i was following, that she was so annoyed with me. she said she's an artist and she can say whatever she wants, and that she's not going to censor herself. so whatever, i do feel bad for writing this but i have to get it out i guess. 121014 ... n o m she is not my younger sister she is my oldest sister 121014 ... no reason this reminds me of certain changing_friendships of mine it's sad about people's incompatibilities 121014 ... n o m nothing even happened today, i just needed to vent. i do love my sister and i'm glad for her in my life regardless of some things. 121014 what's it to you? who go blather from