i_feel_like jane i don't belong here. i've been on blue for almost four years now. i've added here from time to time. i feel lost. california has been my home my whole life. & now new york is supposed to be home. i don't feel like i belong anywhere. i had to write this on red because it epitomizes the way i feel. homeless. i had to take out another loan today. i'm up to my ears in debt. education should be free. it's already expensive emotionally. i've been having depressing thoughts lately. i can't stop wearing black. i want to get out of here. i don't know where to go. i want someone to tell me that they want me to come home. because that will be home. i'm so alone 040105 ... shadow le crowl when seeds are placed underground, they go through a time of darkness. be patient. give the water a chance to break you open, so you can put down one root, then more. soon your first leaves will come forth into the light. soon you be anchored in a place you can call home. 040105 ... DammitJanet everytime i talk to you our relationship gets worse. you automatically take things too far in the other direction when offered a criticism and it makes the situation that much more difficult. i feel drained. exhausted. but my life would be miserable without you. does that mean i'm just using you? using you for my own personal gain, to relieve myself the feelings of self hate and failure? i do love you. i just don't know how much. i have this nagging feeling that you love me much more than i give in return. but that just makes me wonder if it's only because of the simple snag of not letting go... not allowing myself to embrace what i've never felt before. too afraid of where it will take me. i've been guarded all my life. put a wall between me and the world. it's too hard to just fall into it, head on. but it just keeps happening. the same old conversations, the same old problems, repeating and repeating and repeating. i was hoping we were moving on, away from all that. i guess we never will. i wonder how long we'll last like this. i don't want to be the first to let go. 040105 ... carter sugar worn off, eyes burnt out. dance with me? 040105 ... belly fire I feel like my bones could break I feel like I can't even try to like my new team I feel like another day of nightshift will kill me I feel like I'm always having nightmares and waking up alone I feel like I need my mother I feel like something of a zombie I feel like icecream but not the kind in the freezer 040106 ... [ tilted ] 050704 ... APRicochetMVP chicken tonight 050704 ... Sonya I just got hit by a bus, only I'm still breathing. 050705 ... native persimmon everything shares the intent of distraction who's to say which are worthy I can't keep myself occupied adding floundering to the mix 050705 ... unhinged i want to punch someone in the face, all the time. living with other people, especially when those other people are my parents is highly annoying. i also feel like i need to move out as soon as possible. 050705 ... APRicochetMVP i feel the same way almost everyday when i have to deal with the customers at work. 050705 ... nomme) i have a knife stuck in my shoulder 050706 ... nomme) still) 050706 ... unhinged the world will never be sane and happy and peaceful. just another, and maybe the biggest, reason i'll never have children. 050707 ... thorn i'm detached. floating. and you can't help me. you say you care, i don't really think so. i can't think. i think things, and i know that, logically, they make no sense, but they do to me, and i can't explain that to you, you can't understand it, and that's hard. and why can't you just do this for me? why do you have to back out now? i've been looking forward to this for so long, and you can't even do this one thing. but i love you. and i hate that i'm mad at you. i shouldn't be so mad about this. it's so stupid. but i'm not thinking straight. i'm thinking too much, but it's not right, and i just want to talk to you, to be with you, and to stop thinking like this. why aren't you around? i need to talk to you. i feel pathetic. 050715 ... raze a bead of sweat skating across the blade of a dull knife waiting for the seismic waves of whetstone and wanting 220424 what's it to you? who go blather from