capricorn silentbob you're gonna die 030923 ... nom http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Trópico_de_Capricórnio.JPG 081002 ... lux i fell for ancient voodoo rituals, barefooted tiptoeing through basement baubles, sat cross-legged yoga-style and froze through my denim, worried about the smell emanating from my feet and the energy flowing out of the top of my head. every time i heard his name i cringed. this must all be some sort of fraudulent ceremony, concocted with the expectation of a shoeless me ending up pantless, panting, partaking in a ritual far more ancient than voodoo. he gets excited when i tell him about haiti. he put his hand on my bare breast and told me he cares about my heart. when he spread my legs, all he knew how to do was suck on a clit. use that tongue, boy. tease me. be soft. ease up. you're useless. don't just suck; it's too intense: kiss. pet. the entire pussy. circles. maybe a finger. slow. spread your tongue as wide as you can and give it a good lick. lap it up. it is with this in mind that i knew it would go farther one day, and it would be terrible. he is egocentric, stubborn, aggressive. everything that makes him so far from a woman. i warned him. i warned him! i said, "you can't undo it," because you never can. he didn't listen. he wanted what he wanted, and seven strokes later (i counted) i'm frozen up and panicked, not breathing. terrible is an understatement. i'm crying with my hands covering my face, and when he asked if it hurt i didn't know how to respond. you just killed me. you didn't listen. you're like everybody else. he left in the middle of the night. 141229 ... lux the_fairer_sex he has enraptured me with the darkness. i talk of cutting strings, of weaving, of post-coital ice cream. he doesn't have time. and yet as soon as i breach the waves like a humpback, splash! (i need your attention! i can teach you everything!) he responds. it's the bare minimum, but he responds. appropriately. all i can think is this: i am the best. he won't find anyone better than me. he thinks this is so easy. he has never been a woman. 150209 ... lux the capricorn cooked for me : i splurged on wine, white for prep and seafood, red for love, and staining lips. green linen covered glass, all the evidence of vice transported away. he brought bulgarian feta, oiled olives black as shark eyes, blanched celery root, some exotic pickled cucumber,lavash, hummus, cruelty-free veal, seared but rare. from the store: shrimp cocktail, lemons, the wine, of course. let's get low down. even with a flick queued up, our tongues were busy, eating/talking, this mediterranean mammoth of a meal. in a sweeping gesture, wine patterns my dress. he dabs at my body with a towel (indicative of later events), we laugh. the play button remains unpressed. midnight passes and it's valentine's day; we toast (his always sláinte, my nostrovia), we kiss, read thompson, grin, guffaw, understood. a tumble in the garden; we're a little drunk on the wine, on the flavors. sparks. secretly every eyelash hope this will never end. (note to self: everything ends.) his room is a cave. mine, a greenhouse. the light pierces and i get myself off to the tune of his snores: legs spread, panting. things go bump in the morning, too, and he clothes himself before i can taste him again. two kisses before departure (everything ends--even nights, stars, the human race). i pontificate his egotistical generosity, his definition of love, the distance i keep, cause and effect. farewell, my contradiction. even our end is a beginning. 150214 ... lux he burned me for the last time. asked me if i had been abused enough. (what is enough? i ask) well, have you? i grab the bottle and excuse myself. he does not apologize. i do not hear from him for a week, while he tromps around my old grounds and i am left here, alone wondering about my skin my teeth the burst capillaries the broken b o n e s my heart and how it can still be protected. 150304 ... unhinged my little girl was supposed to be (i killed her) 1/9/13 150304 ... maybe you saved her 150305 ... unhinged maybe i did save her, from a life of resentment, struggle, poverty. on a good day, that is my perspective. on a bad day, that i tossed away my one chance at true love. without knowing til after the fact, my friend got pregnant a few months later and now has a daughter who will be two in may. on a good day, i think my little one heard me as i rubbed my belly and told her i couldn't take care of her and had to send her to someone that could. my friend sends me pictures of her asian polish daughter, so much like the one i would have had. on a bad day, my heart breaks. 150317 what's it to you? who go blather from