what_has_become_of_us kerry i was created for you and you were created for someone else. sometimes i think we are all tiny beings encased in bodies. i am not the first person to want to crawl out of my body. i would curl up at the bottom of the ocean with you. i would build a boat for us to sail away on. i would live inside an icicle with you. after my body dies and rots away, where will i go? beforehand, we could decide on a place where i would wait for you to come meet me after your body dies. or if it happens to you first, then i would come find you after my body is gone. we would be without our shells. i feel like i've walked the entire earth looking for you, you exactly, and here you are and i dont want to lose you but i think i already have. 050129 ... kerry we are not together anymore. i ended it. i ended it after he blamed every problem we've ever had on me and said some horrible things and then ignored me and left me standing next to his parking space in the dark parking lot. and i know this is the healthiest thing to do because the times we were unhappy outnumbered the times we were happy, and we've tried to fix it and nothing works. and i want to be alone. and i want to be with him. today atlanta felt like los angeles and for me los angeles is loneliness and feeling confused and feeling miserable. it almost rained. i woke up crying with an impulse to cut off all my hair. 050428 ... kerry i wish it were autumn and i could go away. you always refused to talk to me about Sons & Lovers. why is that?? all the music belongs to you now, do what you want with it. you will go see the shins on tuesday, i will sell my ticket. i'd rather be the one to slink back into the shadows. you can take the modest mouse tickets too, i dont want mine. i dont care. you can go to the baseball game with whoever you want. i have a handful of bands we hadnt yet gotten around to talking about and listening to and paying to see, so i will hold them close to me, and talk about them with no one, so that they will always be mine and only mine and i will at least have a couple things. i took everything of yours and put it into a box under my dresser except the gold rose hanging upside down from the bookcase and the three orange ones in the soda bottle on the stereo. i cannot bring myself to put them away. i remember your face was so shiny when you gave them to me, presented them like trophies, you were dressed up and washed up and i was embarrassed. we smelled like dew. we were optimistic back then. now i see your car pulled up to the curb in various places and instead of my stomach dropping i feel all the contents of my skull somehow falling deep within me, i feel my neck relax in a deathly sort of way. she pats my knee and i stare blankly out the window. all of this is horrible and i have to keep reminding myself it's for the best, the healthy thing to do. how ironic. 050501 ... getting my kerry addiction 080116 ... red ribbon beautiful_buried_red_blathes 140524 what's it to you? who go blather from