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Sonya
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I do not know why I am here again writing, but I was compelled to come here again.
I woke up this morning and felt utter contentment...one of the few moments I've ever had that I truly enjoyed. I am tired of playing the game of bitterness and sadness. I remember how in the car on the way to the airport you were lecturing me on how you thought I wasn't good enough...that I could be more a better daughter...more of a beautiful girl. You told me I was "getting fat" (uh huh)....just another way of showing me you love me right?
Alas...how many hours have I wasted away letting you get to me? All this time I could have been holding onto that which is dear to me...my (true) friends, my real loves...Where did I learn to be cruel to people? Was it when I was a little girl as I watched you and her screaming at each other? Or was it when I saw you strike her? Did you think I didn't understand what was happening because I was JUST a little girl?
I am tired of all of this. I am tired of misery and despair and outrageous criticisms. Where is the appreciation? I know others would kill for a daughter like me. If you only knew how much I try to meet your insane expectations. If you only knew how much HAPPINESS I have sacrificed for everyone else. No more.
I will always love and care, but I have been held back too long. My wings are tattered and bleeding because I have been trying relentlessly to leave this cage you have kept me in from day one. I am beautiful and nothing you say now will change that. I know I am because of the way he looks at me...the way they look at me...I know I am because of the fact that they love me the way I am. Why can't you?
I am finished with your game. I am happy! When are you going to realize that it's best to live for the moment? Life is so horribly short. We have only a limited time to see the wonders and joys of the world. Yes, we are faced with the tragedies all the time, but we mustn't dwell on them. We can work to prevent them.
Inside I feel your struggles. I know I have been a burden on you...since I was an accident, but everything I have done has been in an effort to make you proud of me. The love you give me is marred somehow. I don't understand it all the time...or at least the way you show it.
Dad...I wish I could tell you about my dreams without fearing your criticism. I wish that you could see what I hold in my heart...the joys that maybe you longed to obtain when you were my age.
You aren't losing me...but you can't hold me in that cage anymore. I've pried myself free of the bars....and I'm soaring higher and higher. We don't live that long...soon you'll be gone and I need to be able to say to myself that I've lived my life for me...because when you're gone, that's all that will be left. Please understand. I live for the moment now.
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